When the Sharpest Words Wanna Cut Me Down

For the three of them, "party" was defined as "getting drunk, getting high, listening to music, playing cards, and laughing uproariously."

Things took a different turn that particular night.

After playing the song, You Need to Calm Down, John made what he thought was a casual comment about Taylor Swift. "She's so hot! That's my baby mama."

He had no idea that he'd just stepped on a landmine.

John's boyfriend DeAndre simply rolled his eyes and hit the blunt again.

DeAndre's best friend Revon grinned, saying dismissively, "Yeah, right."

John was the token at the table. He was an old skinny white man who never used pronouns or descriptions where he didn't refer to himself as a male. DeAndre and Revon were big black men who always referred to each other as "girl."

John was still jovial as he said to Revon, "What? I can't have a baby mama?" He pointed at DeAndre. "He has 63 billion baby daddies, everyone from Shamar Moore to Randy Harrison to Taye Diggs. And we won't even talk about his recent obsession with Xavier Youngboy! Right, Rey?"

DeAndre blew smoke with his reply. "No comment."

Revon snickered. "You know he's just joking."

DeAndre said to Revon, "Am not. Mind your business."

John said, "I certainly know that none of his fantasy men ever show up when Big D needs attention."

Smirking, Revon asked, "Does Taylor Swift show up for you?"

John had learned the art of evasive answers from DeAndre. He told Revon, "She might, when she's not busy performing at one of her concerts."

DeAndre passed Revon the cannabis, saying to John, "I thought it was David Corenswet who takes care of you when I'm at work."

John made his standard joke. "He does. He flies in wearing his Superman cape and red trunks anytime he's not busy promoting his movie."

Revon said triumphantly, "And there you go!" He sucked on the marijuana.

John was becoming agitated. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Revon exhaled, "You are not bisexual."

John went from annoyed to full-on pissed. "Are you serious? You don't know me! Obviously!"

John was reminded of the time he first met De's family. Everyone assumed that since he was with an openly gay man, he was gay too. He just ate that aggravation, staying silent.

Begrudgingly, he came to accept false assumptions were to be expected.

But this?

From a gay friend?

Revon held smoke in his lungs as he passed the weed to John.

John took the blunt and put it out.

Revon said, "Well, that was just rude."

"You mean like you being wrong about me?"

Revon fired back, "Um... sometimes, you still get our pronouns wrong."

John went off. "When I grew up, no one was openly gay! Everything has changed. The term 'gay' hadn't even been coined yet. And 'queer' was an insult! In fact, the worst insult boys could call other boys in the locker room was 'homo'! Hell, I never even knew guys were attracted to other guys until I saw Billy Crystal on Soap!"

"Who's that?"

John shook his head. "You're dense!" He pressed the point. "When I was born, pronouns were no more optional than color of your eyes. A doctor slapped you on the ass at birth and said, 'It's a girl,' or 'it's a boy,' and from that moment on, a person's pronouns were fixed."

DeAndre was bewildered, "Why did doctors slap newborns on the ass?"

Revon laughed. "That is really rude!"

John didn't answer DeAndre's question. He kept looking at Revon through a squint. "Just because you have no interest in eating pussy doesn't mean I don't either!"

Both the black girls (guys) grimaced at the mere mention of a vagina.

Revon stuck a finger down his throat, miming a gag. "No visuals, please!"

DeAndre said, "Amen!"

Both of them took drinks of their margaritas, as if trying to wash away the image.

John said, "The rainbow community is supposed to support bisexuals!"

"Whatever," said Revon. "Tell me, boy," he made it even more personal, "what happened the night you came out to your straight friend?"

All John's family was dead. His friend Tom, and Tom's wife Anna, had moved to Canada because of America's recent regression back into bigotry.

John just looked at DeAndre. "You told him?"

DeAndre just said, "Mm," and shrugged.

Revon stared at John with critical eyes. "You couldn't stop crying for a couple hours, right? Why? Over something that trivial?"

John never fully understood himself why he was so distraught that night. But calling it 'trivial' made him even more incensed.

He said to Revon, "I was not in denial!" At his core, he didn't know if that was true or not. "I had no need to divulge the private details of my sex life! I was with Cindy for more than twenty years, until she passed away! When I was young, I always dreamed of settling down, having kids, having a conventional lifestyle! I thought I'd be a grandfather by now!"

Revon's expression hadn't changed. "Did Cindy know you like dick?"

John squirmed. "Yes."

Revon looked surprised. "You told her?"

John hadn't. One night, after she went to sleep, he was up late, stoned and horny. That was back in the day when nobody had cellphones or laptops. He and Cindy shared a Mac tower.

He had watched gay porn, then went to bed immediately after having an orgasm.

He left the browser pulled up.

The next morning, Cindy saw what John had been watching. That was how she found out.

Their relationship deteriorated after that. During their last years together, they were no longer a couple. They were 'just friends', sleeping in different bedrooms.

He had confessed all that to DeAndre, who now answered Revon's question with a simple, "No."

Revon looked at DeAndre like he was in love.

John had only recently figured out that he was jealous of DeAndre and Revon's relationship. The two black girls were like soul mates. They even spoke a language that was foreign to John.

Before John and DeAndre moved in together, John asked DeAndre why he and Revon had never hooked up. But Rey explained they were both submissive bottoms. Ringing DeAndre's bells required a dominate top, and John scored extra points for being a sexy silver daddy.

Unconsciously, John made it personal too, going for Revon's vulnerable spot. "You're just envious that DeAndre gets my thick dick on a regular basis."

Revon's smirk became a sneer. "Are you kidding me? I don't need no boyfriend. I'd rather take care of myself. I don't want the drama!"

John said, "That's the difference between an older man with wisdom and young pups like you. Masturbation doesn't satisfy me. I'll take some drama in order to have a meaningful relationship. Every relationship has drama."

Revon pointed at DeAndre, saying, "Ours doesn't."

John looked at his man. "Are you hearing this?"

DeAndre shrugged. "Mm."

Revon was getting louder. "You're just lucky girls don't hold grudges. Otherwise, Andre would have broken up with you a long time ago!"

John scoffed. "Bullshit."

Revon spoke of himself and his boo, "We've always known who we are. You're the one who was in the closet for decades."

"I wasn't in the closet!"

"For someone who claims to be 'wise', you sure are stupid about a lot of shit!"

"We just discussed this! I've always been male! Always!"

"And you've always been gay! You were just too conflicted to admit it! Otherwise, those boys calling you 'homo' wouldn't have disturbed your spirit!"

John didn't even realize he was adding fuel to the fire when he made his next admission. "I grew up in a Christian family. My best friend and I fooled around when we were teens. Before my dad died, I think he suspected at one point. We went to church one Sunday and for the first and only time, my friend and I were sat in the first pew, right up in front of the preacher. And he gave a sermon about the evils of homosexuality."

"Oh," said Revon, smirking, "and that didn't make you uncomfortable about your sexual preference?"

"It didn't affect me," he lied to both Revon and himself. "I've always loved blond babes. Back then, I had the hots for Farrah Fawcet."

"Who's that?"

"The point is," insisted John, "I've always been comfortable in my own skin."

"Then why did you cry like a baby when you came out? Stop avoiding the question!"

John avoided the question. He turned to DeAndre to ask his boyfriend, "Are you hearing this? Why aren't you defending me?"

DeAndre looked straight into John's blue eyes and said, "All I know is somebody has to be totally gay to give head like you did last night."

Revon cackled like he'd never heard anything so funny.

John just sat there, stunned.

When Revon stopped cackling, John slammed down his untouched shot of Patron. Still shocked, he looked at Revon, then back at DeAndre.

He got up from the table, saying, "Fuck you both!"

As he left the room, Revon asked him, "That's how you really feel?"

John snarled, "That's exactly how I feel!"

Both the girls laughed.

Storming down the hall into their bedroom, John closed the door.

He stripped and climbed into bed.

He went on Vocal, navigating to their Pride Community. Previously, whenever he was on the site, he spent all his time writing. He didn't read much. But the wounds that he suffered tonight sent him searching for solace.

He knew so little about trans people. He'd never been in the same room with one. He had caught flack online for confusing them with people who were gender fluid. He was further bewildered by people who identified as 'intersexual'.

It wasn't because he was prejudice or disrespectful.

He just grew up in a radically different time.

He was ignorant.

He didn't know.

Just like he didn't know that much about black people, or Millennials. Or gay men who used female pronouns.

And he discovered on Vocal that bisexual people were often told to 'pick a side.'

He no longer identified as 'Christian.' He was spiritual, but he didn't believe that an All-Loving God damned anyone to hell, especially because of a characteristic they were born with.

He believed in karma.

He believed in reincarnation.

John had no intellectual stimulation. DeAndre had no interest in philosophical debate. He'd rather spend all his time on TikTok. Or looking at naked dudes on X.

DeAndre didn't read. And since John identified himself as a writer, that was what disappointed him most about his boyfriend.

John had his own odd theory about LQBTQ+ people. He wondered if their preferences were a carry-over from a previous incarnation.

But back in his 30s, John was basically an atheist.

Lying in bed, he thought about what Revon alleged— that John was still disturbed by his upbringing.

Why had he cried so long when he came out as bi?

Trying to empty his mind of the turmoil, he tried to jack off. Despite his age, he had a vibrant libido. And weed just amped his horniness.

He pulled up Pornhub.

He tried his favorite form of stimulation: interracial gay orgies.

He couldn't even get hard.

He was still angry at Revon.

He was still hurt that DeAndre hadn't defended him.

Was there anyone on Earth who truly knew him?

Plugging his phone into his charger, he turned off his light.

Later, John had just drifted off to sleep when DeAndre came to bed.

The big black man cuddled the smaller white man.

Waking up, John said, "Don't touch me."

DeAndre said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Tears in his eyes, John asked, "So who am I? Do you even know?"

"Yes. You're the man I want to marry."

All the tension drained away.

They made love.

______________Bolt⚡