They Don't Write Sonnets About Happiness (Part One)

I dreamt of you last night, and I remember gazing at your beauty. Radiant. I was in love. I am in love. You spoke softly, and you listened to me. I told you all the things I missed, all the things I love, and we sat down in an intimate, dimly lit setting. I couldn't recognize the place. I don't even know if this place exists — after all, this was a place where you spoke to me after all. With your warm inviting voice, and you looked on to me with such openness and embrace. It's a feeling I was more than blessed to enjoy in my life, and it was something that brought me the most joy I’d felt in days. To feel again in that brief moment, even if only for an instant, was both a blessing and a curse.

Naturally, I woke up. But — I had woken up so suddenly, ripped right out of that solace, that place of serenity, right out of the presence of your beauty. It was the saddest thing to happen to me since the first time I was ripped out of your life.

Everything was all confused, and the room was hazy, spinning, and dim. My heart was still racing from the surreal sensation that had electrified every nerve ending in my body. I was left in shock. My breath was short, and my heart was collapsing in on itself. I could feel it. Is this what real love is? I was sure of it. That much was certain. But, I also couldn't doubt the fact that I had lost it forever, with no chance of recovery.

That was undoubtedly the single most painful truth I could utter, but I didn't want to admit it. Just the sheer thought of it sent me into an emotional frenzy. I started panicking. I tossed the orange and brown sheets that wrapped me aside in an attempt to sit up, but it was too late. Anxiety had hit me, and it was taking over. I could feel myself losing control. My mind was racing, my lungs were hyperventilating, and my eyes were teary eyed. I could feel my thoughts jumping back and forth from my head to my heart, and this feeling of fear, heartache, and loss was made all too real again. The worst part was, I didn't know what to do with any of it. For those 67 seconds, I had become a slave to my emotions.

When I finally gathered myself, I got off my royal blue air bed, which sat in the northeast facing corner of the living room at my friend's apartment in the city. I walked myself over to the stainless steel refrigerator in the adjoining kitchen to look for my bottle of lemon water. I'd become very particular about what I consume in recent months. I figure that recapturing my health was the first of many steps in learning how to care for myself again when no one else seems to be there anymore. Just as I opened the fridge, a strong cold breeze struck me from the left. The window was open.

Walking up to the window, I instantly noticed that it was snowing unannounced tonight. It was the first snowfall of the year. I was paralyzed for a moment, but not by the cold. No — this was something even more bitter. I was frozen in pain — the pain of unrequited love, and the pain of loss. But, it also brought me happiness, just for a moment, but it was one that I would savor for as long as possible.

I pulled out the wooden chair from the desk beside the window and sat down, just watching each flake of snow dance downward across the wind. Images of the first snowfall from last year began to play in my head, like a slideshow in the silence, out of the shadows of my mind. I was recalling the night, one of my favorite nights, like it was happening all over again.

Last Year

It was December, 2014. The new year was fast approaching, and the snow had been coming down for only about twenty minutes, but it was fluffy and fast falling. Morris Park was already covered in a thin blanket of untouched snow as the town slept through the night. Lisa and I of course, however, were wide awake in anticipation of the pending snow.

I was still living with my mom, brother, and sister in Morris Park, but I spent just about every night that month sleeping over at Lisa's house, which was just around the corner. Especially now that school is out for winter break. I had just turned 21 in November, and was entirely looking forward to leaving behind all the stress and problems I'd endured while I was 20.

I loved being at Lisa’s. Her parents were kind people, and her little sister was so smart and mature. It was cute. Their Alaskan Husky had nothing but love, about 90 pounds of it to throw around actually. Lisa’s family dynamic was a lot more inviting than it was over at my house, especially after my parents divorce that summer. Everything started going downhill from that point on. Yet, somehow, Lisa made it all feel like a fading shadow of the past. And, when my mom would lash out at me in a scornful rage, she would remind me that I am strong enough to endure whatever she threw at me. But, most importantly, she was there when I couldn't strong enough.

Lisa and I had spent that night watching the night time lineup on Nick. Their line of shows was unmatched. We embraced each other on the couch, cuddled up in typical winter fashion. I couldn't help but glance over at him every now and then. His short, curly sand blonde hair glowed in the dim lighting of the basement living room, and his light brown eyes stood out against his flushed face. Just as I was watching him, he budged to get up. His feet shuffled slowly as he made his way to the basement living room window.

"It's so beautiful," Max expressed as he gently slid the thin white shear window curtains to the side for a peek.

"Archer, come see this!"

At Max's call, I got up from the black leather couch that we were just lounging on in unison and made my way to his side to get a glimpse of the winter wonder.

"Wow, that is nice," I said in a soft, mesmerized tone. I was in awe. But, it wasn't just because it was the first snow of the year, and it wasn't even because the town was glistening in post-midnight snowfall beauty either. I was comfortable. And, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was truly at home when I stood there by Max's side.

"Archer, think of how beautiful Central Park must be right now!" Max said in a heightened tone of excitement. I watched as his face lit up in curiosity and a childlike innocence that overcame his entire demeanor in that moment. It was one of the simpler, yet strangely beautiful things I loved about him.

"Do you think we can go and see?" he asked as he turned his head to meet my gaze.

"You mean — like right now?" I asked in raw curiosity.

Normally, I'm one for adventure; I have absolutely no problem making a trip somewhere. But, I was hesitant because of the weather. We weren't going to drive to the city in the snow. That'd be disastrous, not to mention there would be zero parking. And as for the normal Morris Park express bus route to the city, the last trip was two hours ago, at 11:15 at night. The only way would be walking the mile to the Middletown train station and catching a train into the city. Was I really in the mood for that?

I was staring at clumps of snow fall endlessly on the ground outside. It looked to be about five inches already. The inside of the house was drafty, and bitter chills were making their way up my spine as I let my head wander into a state of silent zen. I closed my glowing brown eyes, and took a long breath. I looked at Matt to tell him I didn't think it was good idea, but when I met his gaze, I couldn't say no.

"Alright, Max. Let's go."

A Walk In The Snow

By the time we made it out the house, the snow must have been about an untouched eight inches deep. The footsteps we left in the snow were covered up without a trace in only minutes as we forged through the streets. I could only think how crazy this was, but it was also kind of exciting.

"Max, slow down! My legs aren't as long as a yours you know!" I shouted from about half way up the hospital block.

"Not my fault you're a little shorty!" He rebutted, chuckling.

I was only three inches shorter than him, but he made it feel like it was a three feet difference. I guess you could say that I was insecure when it came to my height. Being five feet and nine inches tall in a six foot world felt like I was at a disadvantage somehow. Of course, I know that isn't the case, but Max's comment was enough to stoke an under the weather Archer, and it was written across my face in bold.

"Hey, you know I was only kidding, right?" Max said as he took steps towards me.

"I know — don't worry about it," I said, swallowing my pride. And, it was dumb anyway.

"Besides," Max said in an oddly hesitant monotone.

Just then, in a sudden movement, before I even knew what was going on, my arms flung into a defensive x formation, covering my face in reaction to Max's swift flailing of his arm. My eyes were closed. But, I felt a cold thud strike my defending arms, with bits of fluffy coldness finding their way to my face.

"You should really learn to chill out," Max suggests as he busted out into a laughter.

I had burst into laughter myself, opting out of the snowball fight, considering I was gloveless in the snow.

"I'll let that one slide," I comment jokingly as I begin to continue walking towards the train station, giving Mike a snipping smirk as I brush up besides him, bumping him with my left shoulder as I begin to make my way down the hospital hill.

Max trailed behind me, taking his time walking down the sharp, snow covered hill. He was kind of uncoordinated, which was kind of cute I the quirkiest way, so I get why he was taking it step by step. I made it to the bottom, turned around to look up, and he was just about ten paces behind. I watched as he meticulously picked where he was stepping. As if his choices were life or death. He took about four paces down when he looked up at me. Just then, his next step sent him sliding down the rest of the hill in a whirl and a thud. There was a pause in the air, and the silence suddenly echoed through the snow filled night. Then, as we stared each other down as I waited for him to react, we laughed it out simultaneously.

"Help me out, Archer!" his voice echoes out loud in laughter, as the snow fall lifted for a small magical moment.