Day 20 of My 40 Day Fast: The First Trans-Woman I Met Never Left Me

I’m in the thick of it now, but excited to have reached the halfway point of my fasting journey because now it feels like I'm inching towards the finish line. You can read about why I’m doing this fast by clicking on the story below.

I met Mae when I was a teenager in the beginning of the 2000s. We were employed at an upscale grocery store located, at the time, in an up-and-coming part of downtown. I worked in the bakery and she worked in the restaurant. We weren’t friends, she was in her mid-twenties, but we had mutual friends. We would at times attend the same house parties. She was deep into her transition by this point, and she wanted people to know what she was doing. The knowledge was helpful. The internet was still very much in its infancy and smartphones or social media didn’t exist.

She had voluminous long layered black hair, and a smile stretched across her face. She was on birth control for hormones. She’d already had a breast augmentation and walked around with a bouncy chest. She was a confident woman. Her energy didn't give a hint of the struggle going on within her. Then again, I was an oblivious teenager.

She called in sick to work a lot. The hormones she was on left her mentally and emotionally unwell. She was open about it with her manager and co-workers, and I would hear about her dips in health from mutual friends. At some point she would burst through the doors of the store refreshed and herself again.

She eventually quit, but kept in touch with her friends. I was told she went to Thailand to get bottom surgery. At a pool party she showed her new girly part to a few people.

Awhile later I heard she’d grown depressed over the fact that she didn’t get periods, and she missed her male organ. After all she had done, she still felt disconnected from herself. How devastating. And it was, because Mae ended up taking her own life.

Since Mae I have come across many trans people through my time at that grocery store. They really are the kindest, most genuine individuals I have ever met. I think their internal struggle churns out a beautiful creature. That’s what I find myself seeking in others the older I get. Someone who is genuinely good.

Unfortunately the hormones they take make them ill a lot and they would call in sick for weeks at a time. They go through a lot to get their outer appearance to fix the disconnect they feel inside.

My spiritual journey first began as a healing journey to heal my body from severe disease. I have spent years sitting with myself alone silencing my thoughts. A lot of self-discovery happens here, and it brought change within myself.

I learned that self-love is not just about physical acts like taking time for yourself. It is an internal process of learning to love my face, hair, and body exactly as they are. It’s not easy. There’s years of conditioning to break through. I am a work in progress. This practice may not produce big results right away. The inner work gradually seeps into your life.

It’s self-hate when we look in the mirror and don’t like parts of ourselves. Self-hate is a slippery slope. If we don’t go within to fix that, we will always find something to not like and look for ways to fix that instead.

During this process I have strengthened my relationship with God, who I believe is trying to get me to see myself the way God sees me.

Based on my experience with self-discovery, I’ve noticed trans people focus on the outside of them and not inside where the disconnect is happening. So within, so without. Whatever is within us, we project out to the world. A balance between focusing on the outside and on the inside is necessary.

An internal struggle requires one to go within to where that disconnect is and sit with it. If you’re putting your energy into focusing on your outside, it’s worth it to put some of that focus on the inside. Everyday. Take your time and build a practice.