you wont make it a day

Sometimes I don't know where to begin, one step forward then I'm at a crossroad; never just one continuous road. I am going in circles not thinking about the moves I'm making.

I look down when I walk, half the time I don't see where I am going; just one step forward at a time hoping I make it without having to look up and see what's around me.

always self criticizing never self-correcting.

I'm self-aware... of the doubts and fears I water in the pit of my stomach with each gulp I down just trying to clear my throat to see if I can get something out.

I am trapped in this cage that is no bigger than my body, that makes me spin circles, not run them. Yet once I escape for even a second, I'm up this road, down this dead end, and back up it into this cage I call home, not realizing I'm trapped in myself all because I don't know myself well enough to get out of my own head; all these crossroads lead back to me and I will stay chewing myself up and spitting myself out hoping one of these times I will spitball out fast enough into my new body; until I decide to swallow myself whole to become whole.

I realize in order to accomplish anything, I must want to stick around long enough for me to attempt, long enough to see it happen, stick around to make it happen; still, all I do is run circles.

I forget that I don't bathe in the river for myself, I drown in it for everyone else and that is why I am so disappointed in myself.

Revelation after revelation, still I sit and think: it's not me that's meant to be. I am filled with doubt and fear, think I'm no good; constantly missing the opportunity to this undeserving feeling feeding at the bottom of who I am.

Someone once told me look backwards not forwards that way you're always seeing how far you've come not how far you've got, yet sometimes no matter how far I look back I still see the same person and see the future behind me while the past creeps in front of me.

Now, I'm trying too hard and sometimes I'm not trying hard enough.

I keep having to remind myself that maybe that's the point, there is no growth without recognition. I won't make it a day before I make it a week and by the time I make it a week, I will have already have made it a year and be too busy to realize that.