What's an Adequate Appetite?

I'm so fucking hungry.

My belly roars at me incessantly.

Internal acid bubbles pop,

burning the lining of my stomach.

But, deep down, I know no foods can satiate such a calling.

I've been starving for so long

that my eyes have sunk into my skull

and my cheek bones have a sharpness to them that knives envy.

What I'm hungry for is so much more

than a $10 fast food meal

or hidden away sweets in the middle of the night

spilled into a white bowl to be flushed far, far away.

That never truly satisfies.

I've been craving a big, fat serving of genuine connection my whole goddamn life.

I dream of overfilled spoonfuls

of cookies and cream flavored friendships,

cherry topped relationships that make me lick my lips,

and a smorgasbord of sprinkles of sanity.

I am so fucking hungry.

Hungry for my own acceptance

and patience

and compassion.

Hungry to mean something to someone

or make their life better in some way.

No matter the mass amounts I consume,

I remain ravenous.

It is never enough.

The full feeling is fleeting.

My digestive tract is far too enthusiastic for permanent satisfaction.

My mental gut biome is probably seriously out of whack-

the binge-starve cycle wearing my mind and esophagus lining thin.

Sometimes the feeling of being famished can fade with time.

You stop thinking about it and it just sort of becomes part of your normal, daily life.

Same with being tired.

You stop noticing it so much for a while.

That is, until you really think about it,

or let yourself say it out loud.

Suddenly, once you word vomit that phrase, really let it fill your mouth,

you can taste how hungry you truly are.

It's like your stomach starts eating you from the inside out

until there is nothing left but the aching hunger.

I am so fucking hungry.

Maybe that's just part of being alive,

needing to infinitely consume from the endless buffet of life.

Always hungry for more

no matter how many plates you have piled on your table.