what do you want?

I want to look up at the sky. Before I do, I want to know whether it’s black or blue or pink or orange that day without having to look it up on Google. I want to be able to envision that exact color in my mind.

I want to know how to launder money like they do in the movies.

I want to drink until I can’t think, and be able to just lay there for as long as I want.

I want to smoke crack. I want to inject my body with every single drug in the universe and never feel a single consequence of my actions.

I want to know if there’s a god. I want to know how it thinks. I want to know what it wants from us. I want to know if humanity has a purpose.

I want to prove my nihilistic ways right, or I want them proven wrong for me.

I want to see the moon and the Sun and Saturn and Mars and Jupiter and Uranus, all up close.

I want to meet an alien. I want to talk with that alien. I want it to tell me something no one else of my kind knows.

I need to learn something. I want to learn everything.

I want to touch every object in the world, just once. I want to know how everything I see around me came to be.

I want to see my grandmother again. I want to ask her if she loves me. I want to ask her how she remembers me. I want to know how I can remember her better.

I want to be sad without judgment.

I want to be angry.

I want to feel at peace.

I want to forgive myself.

I want to forgive others.

I want others to forgive me.

I want everyone to hold me.

I want everyone to leave me alone.

I want to embrace my lostness.

I never want to feel lost again.