Wandering

This poem was the 2nd out of two free verses that earned me recognition at my university, and awarded me a scholarship. Although it took ripping my 'squeaking heart out,' it made me realize that having a heart is better than not having one at all.

***

Fuck, I'm a mess.

I got out of the hospital two days ago,

Malnourished and a couple pounds less.

I did not need to go,

To this concert full of alien faces,

When all I wanted to do is lie in bed,

But it was for the best, I'm guessing.

Music so loud,

But I'm under a cloud.

Though I'm surrounded with joy and good friends,

All I want is for this night to end.

I'm not one to be crushing on anyone

I have felt numb for years since I lost my one true love.

But it's a good drive on,

Realizing that my heart is still squeaking

What is this I'm writing?

A love poem?

How frightening!

While my newfound crush is in Australia,

I've been swallowed by sadness and nostalgia.

I hate feeling this way,

Like my heart has been tamed, but I refuse to be betrayed,

To let love blind me will just lead me astray.

I take a step back from the crowd as the music is getting louder.

I can't breathe,

I need to leave!

Anxiety, ah what a terrible foe,

As my heart is pounding faster.

Suddenly the drums become mere echoes in the darkness,

The feeling of sadness seems to vanish.

I wish I could say I ran up to her and kissed her

Said or done anything in particular.

The colors began to return,

As her beautiful hazel eyes moved towards me smiling.

Instead I walked calmly and looked at her apparition,

As it disappeared and left me pondering.

I just shook it off and vowed to keep tradition,

To stop hoping on stupid shit and keep on wandering.