Viral force of habit

almost 30 fucking years

I got through many things

didn’t break

absorbed heartache

death

stone cold

so many claimed me strong

I charged through the rubble

of wreckage strewn

haphazardly; hazards

left me unfazed

felt immune

to the vitriol

abuse

construed as hope

and guidance

absorbed it all

like an inoculation

walls hardened

thought I was protected

armor deflected

gunfire blazoned

bouncing from ribcage

It started with a bullet

fire, proximity

ricochet, a catalyst

the firing didn’t stop

so neither did I

still charging

like a tanker

numb

I didn’t feel it

not at first

subtle

ripped shirt

comfortable

but the more I stepped on broken glass

the more those cuts began to hurt

It didn’t get better, it spread

infection set in

still running

no healing

denial, self-lead

brick wall

I didn’t see it

when stopped

force of impact

infrastructure I had built up

crumbled as my bones did

I lit myself on fire

to feel again

then repeated it

again and again

the more I did

the more it took

the more I took

the less I felt

Homicide of self

run, now a shamble

I offered up decay

lit without remorse

just to do it all again