Unseen

Do you ever remember something in such vivid detail that it’s the only thing you can see? It cannot be unseen.

Flashes run through your head at the worst moments, sweep away your feet from under you, clench your breath and hold your stomach. Breathe through it. Feel it hurt. Feel it become you, feel it in your bones and your heart, in every muscle as it threatens to explode you into million of bits.

Flesh and bone, thrown across the room like worms. Maggots will infest the flesh and eat you whole. Everything collapses around you, the most horrible thoughts run through your head.

“Make it stop”

“I want to die”

“Please, take my pain and be done with me.”

“Just let me die in a heap right here, at the feet of my killer and stare up into the eyes of swirling brown.”

After a few more breaths, you come back. The room falls back into place, each chair and pillow landing as it was, not a single piece of evidence that it had been a vortex just moments ago.

You can see straight now, you can look back up from the ground and see that everything is just as it was. You’re okay. He’s here. You’re there. Sitting. Talking. Staring. Yearning. Wishing. Praying. Two broken hearts clamoring for another moment longer with the other. Don’t leave. We’re attached by a soft, silken string. It’s so small that you can’t see it, or feel it when it tugs as one of us leaves the room. The constant feeling of needing to be close. The dainty string is also quite strong.

It’s strong enough to break barriers, and survive so many struggles. But something can come and break it. If it wanted to.

That’s the thing, about this string though. It repairs itself, and fast. You might think you have strength and that you can will the string to feel the feelings you want to feel. The rage, anger, hatred, betrayal, distrust, and probably still more hatred. But. The string doesn’t let you. It reminds you that it’s connected, and cannot disconnect. It finally had a soul and a heart that can make it laugh, and feel, and have the happiest moments it’s ever felt in its lonely, sad existence. How can you betray your own heart? Neglect it the one thing its tried to feel for so many years.

No, you can’t. It needs his heart, it needs his soul. His hearts needs yours too. But your heart is shy. It doesn’t want to show its cards, but only out of self preservation. It’s felt that kind of hurt before. It remembers the heartbreak of abandon, and the stab of pain from neglect, and it also remembers the time it trusted, and was betrayed. Before him when there was a different him. The him that means nothing now, but the damage still scarred; left a nasty gash.

But. You can’t deny your heart, can you? No. You can’t. But you can stand your ground. The hearts, while they yearn and love, your head can take the lead and bypass the heart sometimes. For moments, it lets you feel the fury. The fire. But the heart quickly puts it out.

It’s not fair.

You want to scream, kick, thrash, punch, smack and tear him apart. Rip him a new hole, make him bleed. Feel the pain you feel as your organs strangle each other within you. Your intestine throws the kidneys into a choke hold, but the the stomach body slams the intestine. You heart goes straight for your lungs, as always, and knocks them the fuck out.

You want to lunge forward and kiss him with so much passion and fury that the paint melts off the walls. Your body screams to be touched by him but you don’t know how to feel about it. Your pulse would be beating so fast and his would be too. He’d take your pants off and give you the deepest love and you’d remember the first night you were together. You decided you wanted him always. You still feel that now.

You still feel that now. But it can still not be unseen.