Under the Cover of Darkness

Here I am

The air tastes sweeter and feels softer

But so much more electric

Just breathing is sending pulses

Through my body, bringing me to life

Like I’ve never really lived

Yet all I can do is cry

It is a strange thing

To feel so validated and alone all at once

To feel safe in a storm of people

Swirling around you and making waves

Just by being who they are

And welcoming you to do the same

I’ve never felt so small

But I know I fit here perfectly

Alone

I still can’t help but feel like a fraud

As if my greenness denies me access

To the rest of the rainbow

The pinks and purples and blues

The yellow and grey and white

Shades of me that I’ve misunderstood

For a very long time

And used to paint different pictures

That never quite turned out right

Taking the long way home

The further away from the city I get

The brighter my rainbow jacket seems

And no one is around

But I stick out like a stop sign

And all I want is to go

Go home

And wash off the colours

The joyful glow and the happy tears

Take it all

And tuck it away for next year

Because I am only brave

When I can blend into the crowd

I don’t really want to be seen

Under the street lights

The walk to the train station

Is lit by warm light

And I have always found warm light

Claustrophobic

Because I am overwhelmingly aware

Of the dark pressing in

But tonight it is making me feel hollow

In a good way

As if the usual darkness of my doubt

Is being kept at bay

So long as the lights hang overhead

The platform is littered with people

Whose lives don’t falter

When pride comes around

Who know where they’re going every day

And I am barely waking up

In time to get off at my stops

I feel so separate from them

And often from myself

And the closer to home I get

The more distance I feel from a part of me

I’m struggling to connect with

A dizziness overcomes me

It’s not even midnight

And I am running home

Checking twice for glass slippers

I cannot leave behind

Because I can’t have anyone knowing

That I don’t really know what I’m doing

I dipped my toes into the world

I know I belong in

But the water is colder than I expected

And I’ve never been good at diving

And I am unsteady

I know who I am in theory

But as I put one foot in front of the other

I stumble

Even with my feet on the ground

I am reeling but recovering

There is an emptiness

That so much happiness leaves

There’s a hole

Where my stomach should be

As if the butterflies gnawed at it

Before fleeing the scene

And the sinking feeling

Just keeps on sinking right on through

And sits heavy in my feet

I do not believe I am sad

So much as missing the presence

Of the swells of excitement

And rush of comfort

That comes from seeing

People walking the walk

I am still scared of

Wrapping myself in my pride

I am trying my best

To wear myself the way I am

But I only own baggy clothes

Best for hiding

Feeling everything and nothing

I’ve always hidden

Hurt and even happiness

I hated morphine

Because it took away my pain

And replaced it with heaviness

Another repression

Of the things I feel

The parts of me that ache

Are parts of me

That prompt change and growth

I’ve quashed them all for so long

That pride doesn’t feel whole

It feels fleeting

And I don’t want to let go

There is a storm in my blood

I am at odds with myself

Because the world is so brave now

And I wasn’t taught how to be

But I’m often told I am

Yet I think I’m just made out of clay

That people like to push and pull

Into any shape they like

And when I start to harden

They wet their hands and

Get to work again

I am fighting to be seen

I want to tell everyone

Because the person who does

Looks free in my mind

But I feel as though I am always missing

All my opportunities

Hesitate for a second and it’s gone

I trip over my own tongue

Running from my mind

As it hurls stories at anyone who will listen

Yet never making it to the point

Because the problem is

I am a walking hesitation

I’m the echo of myself

Bouncing around just a little too softly

I am dying to remain invisible

I don’t have the strength to be seen

The way this world expects

Queer people to be seen

I don’t have the knowledge

Of who I am

To let others in on the mystery

I don’t want to get specific

But I feel insincere when I am vague

And understanding myself

Feels like feels like falling into a river

Pulling me backwards through time

Ghosts of myself trying to pull me under

I am here

Now I am standing in the rain

I made it through all my stops somehow

And this midnight air bites

And I want to go home

But I can’t decide what that means to me

Alone

Days will pass

Just like the stops on the express train

And the memory will fade

Like the weather-worn benches

Sitting out in the sun

And I will settle again

Like water after a flood

And I will continue to be me

Feeling lost enough to find myself

Pride sets me on a journey

For validation

Without the rations to survive the trip

And leads me home safe and sound

When I realise

I have all that I need