Trapped..

Dear Reader,

Thank you in advance for taking some time to read this sonnet. My grammar, spelling, and punctuation may be off. This is due to my brain injury, and I left it this way intentionally so you can have the raw feelings. Thanks again for reading. Enjoy!

-Mindy

Smile.

Don’t let them see,

The real pain inside my soul.

What is inside me,

All the directions I am being pulled.

Trapped.

So, so, trapped.

My mind is a scary place.

Like a prison. Made of glass walls.

I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating.

I can see out, to a normal world,

But I can’t leave. Why? Why can’t I leave?

I try to summon help.

I wave, I scream and cry.

I stomp and yell.

Tears and snot….. even more black, mascara stained tears running down my face.

Smeared into my skin. I rub my eyes, and try to clear the tears.

My red, swollen, screaming, crying face.

On display for all to see,

As I bang on the glass from the inside.

Begging….pleading, for someone, anyone to help.

Nobody comes.

People walk past. Busy.

They are busy. All of them.

They are wrapped up in their lives.

Most of them anyway.

Some stop and stare at me for a minute.

Some mock me through the glass. I am just a specimen to them.

Some hold up signs. Signs that read things like

“Get over yourself.” Or, “it’s all in your head.”

It makes it worse. The tears flow, the snot drips, the uncontrollable crying and screaming coming from my lungs pierces my ears. But I can’t stop.

Nobody cares enough to help.

I turn around. Screw them.

Back to the glass.

My mind is a scary place. It’s terrifying, actually.

I walk into the abyss anyway.

I might as well, what else can I do?

All of a sudden, I am surrounded by mirrors, it is a never ending room of fear. Smoke and mirrors. I am going crazy. Or I’m already there. How did I get here? Why? What happened? I try to find the exit. It seems to have disappeared. Where did it go? It’s gone! How did I even get in here?

I don’t understand…….

My abilities have been turned inside out. Upside down.

How do I figure out my life?

Especially when I can’t even get a sentence straight…

Talking is difficult. Writing is harder. The never ending smoke and mirrors is a maze as the fear sets in deeper.

This is my life now.

Forever? Maybe..

I am trapped in this broken, twisted, upside down and dysfunctional brain.

I don’t want to see anyone.

They don’t really care.

Pity is the name of their game.

Or I feel so damn stupid because I can’t remember the details of our conversations.

I’m sure they think I’m stupid too…

They must.

I am always sure to remind them my mind isn’t functional.

“I have a brain injury from Covid.”

They always say it’s okay.

It’s pity. It’s fine, I guess.

I hate it.

I feel dumb.

I’m better off to just not interact.

Keep to myself.

Reduce the awkward interactions.

Stay home.

It’s easier. Safer. Less vulnerable.

It’s…..painful, it’s, lonely.

I have lost all interest in things I like to do…

I don’t even enjoy wine tasting anymore.

What’s the point?

When all the wine tastes the same now..

“Barnyard funk”.

About 70% of the time, all I smell is poop.

In general. Everywhere.

That’s fun times..

Again.

Trapped. Completely, trapped.

I begin to loathe my mind.

This disease that took my functionality from me.

Left me with half a brain,

Provided me with a new life.

A life that I hate. Because I can’t think straight.

It’s like a bad dream..no, a nightmare.

One I can’t wake up from.

I am trapped.

Trapped in my mind.

I want out.

I NEED out.

Even just a break… I feel like my head is about to explode from the stress.

Please, just let me out of this mess.

I don’t think it’s ever going to end.

It’s like dementia. But worse.

I never know when I’m going to have an “episode”.

The worst, is that people don’t always believe that it’s real.

Seriously. This disease almost killed me.

Then left me with a brain injury.

Now I feel like I am trapped in my mind. My broken, twisted, stupid, hurting mind.

So, here I remain….

Banging on the glass,

Or wandering through smoke and mirrors.

Terrified.

Crying.

Screaming for help, with a hoarse voice.

Tears, snot and mascara streaming down my red and swollen face.

I’m trapped.

I just want it to stop.

Let me out.

Somebody hear me.

Help.

Please…