Too Much of Difficulty

IV

How much more is not too much yet

Happiness feels like a myth

The worse turning into the worst

Making it clear how little is my worth

Drowning in hate, sinking in shame

Pain gouging my eyes in the blood of the everyday same

Gifts are showering onto me like rocks and stones

Hitting me hard with too much blessing

All I wanted was just a stroke of wind

Something that will allow me to swerve

Something that won't be the pinching of a nerve

Dreams fulfilling are illusions now

They only tease to come true to be the dead fruit of what I sow

One day the wings will soar, one day the butterfly will rise

But when will it be good enough to rise

The poison of repulsion will stop melting the art of ice

V

When will it end

The defeated fire melting from the eyes

The withering smiles rotting from the lips

The dying dreams spurting from the jolted brain

The shivering fears of endings that never began

When will it stop paining from the weakening heart

And if there is any soul in or out there

When will it end its crazy dizzying dance of punishment

A punishment for what though!

What have I done for all these to not ever finish me at all

What's the point of drowning me in shame but never letting me sink

Keeping me proudly floating in the stinky hate

Why don't they just end me and end themselves

When will it all end, when will I end

VI

Perks of being a difficult person

Climbing up the hills of wallflowers

Setting yourself up for a downfall

A sudden freefall like falling off a cliff in the nightmares

But getting back up again, before even falling, getting ready to stand up

Perks of being a difficult person

Nothing is ever enough; nothing is ever nothing

Everything is blank, but even the blankness is filled with something

Something that haunts, something that tickles

Perks of being a difficult person

Even pure joy feels like punishment, a punishment that lurks ahead

A punishment for feeling a rare moment of happiness combined with little moments of happiness bundled into a gigantic pile of payback

Not a payoff, payoffs are added pure joy, bonus happiness, too good to be true, too good to stay

Waiting to turn into punishments, a punch of pain in the gut, for the difficult person that you yourself is, that you yourself live with