To speak freely?
The trap of gratitude
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
Cicero, in full Marcus Tullius Cicero (born 106 bce, died 43 bce) was an influential Roman statesman, lawyer, scholar, and writer during the age of the final civil wars that destroyed the Roman Republic.
*
His comments can lead to a downward spiral of ruminating unsought.
Or my voice may return self-assured.
Then, at rare times - caustic and acrid.
Deliberately spiteful.
Useful?
No.
It’s me they hurt as I devalue my nature.
*
We began with pleasantries over a cup of tea.
As we sat in my courtyard, he proclaimed falsehoods not based on fact.
He accused me of abandonment.
I was deeply hurt.
I felt incredulous and confused.
His words were cruel, and I questioned his capacity for empathy.
He remained steadfast and unwavering.
I looked down at my hands, shocked at his thoughtless statements and considered their origin.
*
It had been a tumultuous time of upheaval.
I had been brave.
Was my newfound freedom a threat?
*
I paused and carefully considered.
A ‘voice trapped’ by gratitude?
No.
I felt the strength of self-assertion.
I had found my voice and felt empowered by it.
He did not apologise.
*
Free speech?
There is complexity, even within close personal relationships, including family.
I deny myself this right to speak freely to protect myself from harm and not to hurt perceived unity.
Yet, I perpetuate the illusion that it will diminish meaningful and honest conversation opportunities.
*
One week later, as we walked to his car after basketball, I found myself returning to the downward spiral of ruminating unsought.
Yet, on the return drive, he was cheerful and spoke of the frivolous.
I pondered where this would lead to.
Then, he qualified the context.
Is this enough to help you understand?
*
For just a moment, I considered our previous interaction.
*
Furious at the purposeless irrelevance, I replied quickly with a flash of anger about free speech.
No longer ‘voice lost.’
My words were deliberately spiteful.
Useful?
No.
It’s me they hurt as I devalued my nature.
*
The trap of gratitude and subsequent rumination had deprived me of my innate disposition.
*
Kind.
Considerate.
Compassionate and humane.
Or, at the very least, benign or self-limiting.
*
Did I apologise?
No.
I felt regret.
*
Let me do so now.
I’m sorry, Dad.
*
See below for previous poems that provide additional context:
Pauline Fountain. © 2024. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be used or reproduced without the written permission of the author.
About the Creator
Pauline Fountain
Writing and photography provide a creative outlet to reflect with meaning on my life.
My mental health? Bipolar 1 (Rapid Cycling), Complex PTSD and Functional Neurological Disorder.
My son’s gentle wisdom furnishes me with the gift of hope.
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Comments (5)
This feels deeply personal, but is also something anyone can understand if they've struggled with understanding/relating to/interacting with a loved one. "It’s me they hurt as I devalue my nature."- this is such a powerful line Pauline. I hope things have improved as time has gone on😊
love this
Wow, I feel the need to fan you and perhaps feed you grapes for this piece (I hope this came across in an appropriate way, as my intention was to show huge respect for how well this was written) You went deep, but you also went slow. You laboured for us, took gentle steps to show us the way you wish to express the toxicity behind never thinking before we speak — taking advantage of the good nature in others — usually what we expect in return is nothing like what we dish out. I love that you didn’t say it was right to respond harshly, but that it was a long time coming. The grace you give others and give to yourself is so beautiful, the disrespect that you don’t accept from others is also beautiful. Such a lovely piece, I appreciate every bit of it.
Thought-provoking!!! Wonderfully written!!! Loved this line, "I had found my voice and felt empowered by it." ❤️❤️💕
Powerful piece; it really made me think! I don’t know your exact story or situation, but it seems very representative of the complexity of human emotion and nature. No one’s actions or words—not our own and not others—should ever make us feel devalued, and yet it happens; it is bound to. People are bound to make mistake after mistake, to hurt each other, and to do things we regret. Hurt hits deep and hard, and anger stings and lingers, but love is stronger than we ever give it credit for. In turn, so is understanding, even if it’s deep seated and unspoken, and so is forgiveness. I’m sure your father would forgive you.