This is how it's Supposed to Be

The farm I know. The road I don't, even though I've driven past it hundreds of times.

I'm excited to meet Mr. Johnny.

He's the farmer who will give me what I need before I go on to my final destination, the workers' farm.

There's the road just up ahead, right where it's supposed to be.

It goes straight through the old red barns, which on the inside are ten times as big as they look on the outside. Like giant warehouses. It makes perfect sense.

No wonder I've never taken this road before.

I pass through the barns, taking a moment to look at the giant white cow on the second floor. It is hooked to many different machines and must weigh 5,000 pounds. She looks so happy.

She is a beautiful white cow-sun.

This is how it's supposed to be.

I see my stop.

I park in the giant concrete hallway lit by fluorescent lights. Mr. Johnny comes out in his farm overalls and high-heels.

I really like his high-heels. They're purple like my car. I explain that I was sent to get "uhhh..." and I check the list that is in my email.

"A baby pig in a paper bag, a 5-pound bag of milk, and a dog?"Mr. Johnny chuckles. "That sounds about right," he says.

It does sound right.

He puts the pig in the bag. But, of course, the bag has no sides, and so the pig gets out. "Guess this is where my journey starts," I say as I chase after the pig.

The dog appears and bites my arm. All of the people appear and they chastise me. "You shouldn't let him bite you like that." They say.

"What's wrong with you? Pull him off. "

And so I do.

I feel inadequate. I don't think I should take this dog. But I do.

Of course I do...

This is how it's supposed to be.

Back in the car with the milk, pig, and dog, I am at my final destination. I hope I like it here because I signed a 30-day contract and can't leave.

Then Paul comes out to greet me with his deep blue eyes.

Eyes so blue I cannot think...

He hands me a magazine and asks me to circle the men in it I like. But since Paul is not in it, I blush, circle none, and hand it back.

My soul says, "But you're not in here," and he understands. But Paul does not hear because I do not speak aloud.

This is how it's supposed to be.

He is surprised that I circled no one, he says. With my appearance, he thought I'd be more outgoing. He says "I look like I should be, with all the tattoos I have."

This is not the first time I have been told that my appearance doesn't match my personality. But I don't understand because I am me?

Hannah shows up and says, "Let's get to work!" I look at Paul hoping he'll come too. He does not.

Hannah shows me the barns."We have to swim in here," she explains as she puts on her colorful, polka-dot bikini. I only brought my dowdy, black one-piece and am embarrassed. I didn't think color was allowed here.

We swim through the crystal clear water with all the different crops sectioned off.

Lemongrass over here, onions right there. I look down at my feet and see them there, distorting through the waters bends. Somehow, the dirt from the crops doesn't penetrate these swimming pathways. It makes perfect sense.

Then, I spot the ballet dancers, performing beautiful synchronized movements in a taped off square of water. I watch them for quite some time. This is how it's supposed to be.

A man swims by in scuba gear, and Hannah laughs. "I'll never get used to people swimming through the crops." She says.

Next, she shows me the ant room. It's a linen sized closet with a single yellow bulb, swarming with ants. I go pale. Do I have to go in there?

I think she will lock me in.

"No," she says. But after a moment of thought, she explains, "Well actually, yes. But just to grab a tray of ants. This is why you are here." She looks at me strange and hopeful.

She knows.

My body and mind suddenly can think of nothing but Paul. Paul is the entire world, and yet he is not here? I have to find him. He needs me, and I need him, but he is gone.

Hannah interrupts my thoughts and hands me a silver spoon and an unopened can of raviolis and gestures to the large crowd of people that have gathered. "You'll need these for your speech." She explains.

I am panicked.

I have no speech prepared and I hate public speaking... and where is Paul?

Mr. Johnny comes back in his heels. He looks at me sadly and shakes his head. "They're never here in the first place you know?"

This is how it's supposed to be.