Thinking Errors

I was told that my bipolar disorder was just a series of thinking errors. That I just needed to correct my thinking and all would be solved. All my ups and downs, all my moments of self induced emotional wreckage, would just miraculously dissolve if I just thought differently.

Thank you.

Thank you for your amazing insight.

Thank you for summing up the last 30 years of my life in such a neat, untouchable bubble. Just like it will wash away the pain that made me who I am.

Screw you!

My thoughts race through my head faster than I care to remember them. I brace myself every morning not knowing if the day holds an emotional onslaught of negativity, or if I am gonna spend my day seething, furious about nothing for an absent reason. Maybe, just maybe I have a good day. A day full of sunshine and genuine smiles.

Those days are fleeting because at the first small, insignificant red light, my mind races again, never knowing if I will snap like a twig in a rough wind, or will my tears pour out of me like my eyes were waterfalls.

Sometimes I feel like I should just keep a jar of my tears and a jar filled with my rage, just to prove to you that its not a simple as your neat little bubble. Just to prove to you that what I struggle with on a daily basis is more than your “ thinking errors” can comprehend.

I am more than a series of “ thinking errors.” I am living proof that sometimes happy thoughts don't allow people to fly. Its the daily struggle that has made me stronger and no change in thinking will erase that.