The ripples of the water

What am I?

Do I belong here?

These questions ponder in my head as I sit next to the water and watch it ripple away…. Are my fears here to stay god? Please oh please make them go away.

The water oh so peaceful and calm but can I be at peace here? I sit calm and alone on this bench. My head hurts please make it stop. The feeling of a deep knife is what I feel right now. Nothing but regretting my life.

But oh the water the ripples it makes. I just want it to take me….. take me away from the city lights oh so bright…. To the sirens and noises that just won’t do me any good. It’s bad enough my head won’t stop spinning. The thoughts just stay here overheating.

My love is gone when I want him here. But no I sit alone on this bench shedding a tear. My body is numb the thoughts won’t stop or when they do they come to haunt me in my dreams.

I wake up in a pile of sweat gasping like I almost fell. When the only thing I want is to just not be living in so much hell. I watch people as they walk on the dock talking with one another. Their dogs play with each other as if their the happiest camper in the world.

All memories spin around in my head I feel like when he’s here I’m talking to a stranger. Awkward it is that keeps the silence in the car. I want to tell him I love him. But no wallpaper on his phone no more no hey love. None of that.

Does he still love me? I just want to make him see. I wonder if he’s talking to any other girls I wonder what’s going through his mind? But oh he was so kind and nice.

And so I sit here with a knife in my chest. I guess you can say god is definitely putting me through another test. But I love him I want him. These thoughts in my head stay. I just want to run away.

As it gets colder I sit on this bench. I just don’t want to feel numb I don’t want to feel pain. But yet again I’m here trying to stay sane. His kindness oh so sweet I wish he can sit on this bench next to me.

Oh look what I’ve done now. I’m sitting here crying on this bench when I just want my body to rest. The dreams need to come to a stop. I wish I can replay the vacation we took when I can say hey babe look what I see. As his eyes stare into mine I can see my reflection. I see my boyfriend who loves me staring at me. His smile oh so wide.

The wind is colder I just simply want no pain it’s bad enough my mom can’t help me let alone my dad. I’m here in pain and it’s up to me to get out. Normally I would sit in a whole lot of doubt. But now I sit here cold like a shaking leaf as I wish I can be under the ocean where the coral reefs are…….

Alone I sit at last trying to take it all in before I need to go back and feel like I’m trapped in a bin. And so here I sit wishing I wouldn’t have such a bit pit stuck in me. That’s all for now I sit here wishing I can say wow……