The Ramblings Of A Narcissistic Abuse Survivor

The beginning is incredibly exciting, passionate; all roses and honey,

A connection of extremes, a meeting of souls,

I was seen, heard, validated and loved — so I was made to believe.

A chemistry undeniable as he persistently pursued,

Ardently professing his adoration,

Placing me on a pedestal of his own making, admiration mine for the taking,

His forever, his one and only.

******

If only I’d run!

But the high was more than any warm-blooded woman could walk away from,

It was pure ecstatic bliss.

I’d won the lottery meeting this incredibly handsome, charming, charismatic man —

He who worshipped the very ground I walked on,

Caressing my mind, my body, my soul,

Until he became my everything, my all.

******

I loved hard, I loved deeply, I loved foolishly,

But in reality I’d met my match, my destruction, my destroyer!

The bully that broke me, shattered me into a million unfixable pieces.

The one that stole my health, my peace, my offspring, my future,

Who turned my world upside down on a whim or a mood swing,

Until there were days I was curled into a shell upon my bed,

Drowning in my own private abyss.

******

He’d take me from pure bliss to the pits of hell, in the space of six seconds.

He’d ride my insecurities through the best of my days,

Until I began questioning my own sanity!

He’d destroy me and laugh — insisting I’d brought the cruelty and spite upon myself.

In fact, he’d convince me it was my despicability that was the root cause of our evil,

That the yelling and screaming I heard was not his voice but my own.

I begun to question who I’d become.

******

There were days we were so incredibly happy,

But that could change on the turn of a dime.

I learned how to tiptoe through our romance, wary of the future minutes of any given day —

Hours spent sleep deprived because he’d insist on stealing my every waking minute,

Talking in circles, listening to his hurtful lies, story tales to illicit my sympathy,

Everything taken to extreme — lies of an aggressive cancer diagnosis with no symptoms,

Grandiose tales of heroism, past exploits of bravery and unliveable pain.

******

Every day one where I was pulled in every direction, like a puppet on a string,

Hating the person I’d become that caused the tumultuous array of hours experienced,

Drowning in a sea of insanity, covert abuse and heart-rendering drama,

And for what end?

His need to rip every drop from the relationship for the sickening need of a narcissistic supply,

His end goal —

That endless, bottomless pit incapable of love or empathy for the destructive pain he inflicted.

******

Until the day he’d abruptly discard me, our relationship, our love,

Leaving me a broken, useless carcass; unsurvivable —

All in the guise of teaching me a lesson for ill-perceived wrongs!

For years we’d cycle through this blissful ecstasy, destructive bullying and eventual discarding,

To keep me on my toes, to ensure I didn’t know if I was coming or going,

His unending pathological supply.

Until I gained the strength to say no more!

******

Although I walked away after the last discard,

A broken-shell of a pre-existing human being; totally unrecognisable,

He still refused to give up what he thought of as ‘ownership’ over me.

Instead, he disappeared off the face of the earth; hidden from my view,

Determined to keep me on ‘wife’ status so I couldn’t move on,

Never to feel the fresh air of freedom again.

He held those control reins tightly against his chest, where I couldn’t break them!

******

But he was wrong! He underestimated my strength —

It took me over two decades but I never gave up,

I searched under every lowlife rock I could find,

Uprooted every guttural rubbish pile,

Unearthed every hellish pit of scum,

Until I pulled myself out of his death grip and against his wishes,

Set myself free — a narcissistic abuse survivor; wiser and strong enough to break that horrific trauma bond!