Tell All: The Story of Lu VII

You came back after 6 months of being gone. Somewhere around that time period. I had spent plenty of my therapy time missing you. You told me that you went to juvie. For hospitalizing that kid. I wasn't sure if I believed you but I was too scared to actually look.

Sometimes when you got out, you'd be using drugs. I think you began to believe that you were a bad person thus you should always be a criminal. You never admitted that though.

You're really not a bad person. You never have been. You're a kid who's parents struggled with parenting. Your dad was an asshole with his own problems. He forced you into the man he never could be, telling you that happiness was only for women. Every bad problem of his was now yours. Your mom was always doing a best. But a single woman can't raise every kid on her own. You of course had to help raise your siblings. Your sister was your life.

You had all the anger of the world on your shoulders so of course you were a hurting person. Your mom was too tired to care. Your dad said that was normal. So you lived on trying to love while hating everything.

There's nothing criminal in being the victim of trauma. I just wished that you knew that because you were raised with all that, it doesn't mean you're doomed to be miserable for the rest of your life.

"With him, I swear my words come like drops off a waterfall. My heart has a million things to say and feel. My soul bleeds prose like I'm every poet who's ever written."

There was one day where you were being silly. I was in one of my classes. I swear I remember laughing at you. Then out of nowhere, you told me that you only texted me when no one else wanted to talk to you. I don't know how you expected me to take that. I got upset. Why would you say that?

You laughed it off and said it was joke. I was beginning to wonder if it really was. Sure I was one of the first people you messaged when you got out of juvie. Sure we were talking right now. But were you falling out of love? Or was I just overthinking? Maybe you weren't just joking. My instincts were saying otherwise.

You started to get upset over my insecurity. You started chewing me out and I unadded you on Snapchat so you couldn't text me. You then got angry that I unadded you and you chewed me out over text for that. You blamed me for not being able to take a joke. I told you to leave me alone so you blocked me on everything else.

I just couldn't take being your last resort. But you pushing me out of your life so fast, hurt just as much. If not more.

"'If I die just a little

inside just a little.

Then I'm more than

just a little Justified.'

-Kacey Musgraves

These tears in leather backseats,

and carpets and rugs,

are just a bit of what you left me with.

Your tee on my pillow

Still smells like you.

Is it wrong that I still keep your jacket on?

You passed you words into my heart

and twisted them like a toy.

Drained my love onto this floor

and I spilled my guts out.

Do you know that it hurts?

Does it even matter?

I said I wanted this space

I said I needed more.

But when I say I need you now

Please just give me your hand

for a little longer....

I want you

and I hate you

and I can't stand you

but I need you

so please just please

let me out.

Don't even say anything."

You didn't get to leave me alone though. I was not going down without you. I gave you a week to relax and then I made a fake Instagram account. I began to stalk your account. This is where my crazy comes out. I never did say I was innocent.

I quickly made friends with you as a made up person. This is where you began to fall for my poetry. On this account, I would post poetry and heart break quotes. I don't know if that account is still around. I started asking questions about myself. At first you were an asshole. You told me that I looked a bit weird. You didn't like my body or my hair. You didn't like how hard I tried for you. The hardest part was everything I'd ever done was for you. Even changing myself.

"I wanted to impress you-

so I did squats.

Now I've got a bubble butt

and everyone loves it but you.

You liked feminine gay guys

but then my voice was too girly

so I lowered my pitch.

I got contacts

cuz I was ugly with glasses

but her glasses are sexy.

I stopped getting jealous

of all your side hoes

but that just irritates you.

I redid my hair

so it's just your type.

Now it looks "awkward."

I gave you space

and now you

beg me to come back.

I listened to your feelings

cuz you want someone to care.

Now we're just "friends."

I've changed anything

to become your everything

and it's all for nothing. "

You told me that you did love me. You cared about me. That I was supposed to be in your life. It frustrated you that I tried so hard to make things work, even knowing that they couldn't work. You wished it could but there were too many things in our way.

"This foundation is no sturdier with these cracks in it."