Subconscious Alert

I have held it together for what feels like so long,

Holding my breath, staying sober and strong.

Then out of the blue,

Mental Illness creeps through.

Each day seems longer but loops by so fast,

Never a real moment, always a task.

On autopilot, viewed as a robot to please,

Sadness is creeping in now - I thought I had beat that disease.

The trigger was their actions spoke louder than talk,

Dismissed and unseen, shattered what I thought was a now unbreakable lock.

I sometimes forget that I suffer from depression,

Negative taunts with self-destructive, inadequate questions.

I have accomplished so much, yet I sit here in tears,

I am approaching the best that I have been in years!

With all that said, my heart is in pain,

Dismissed and overlooked by those who are main.

I feel selfish and petty for wanting attention,

To be celebrated for my successes, to be noticed without mention.

In this room, I am one of five,

I feel invisible, a ghost who isn't alive.

I know I am the glue that holds us together,

But sometimes I need protection from hard times and bad weather.

If I disappeared, would they notice I'm gone,

Would they blame me for leaving or admit they were wrong?

Here comes on the suicidal thoughts,

Rubbing my wrists - heart bleeding, in knots.

My head imagines a room where I am screaming alone,

Wanted to be heard but was afraid to speak up, then rejected because of my whine and groan.

Instead, I fight this battle in my cell of solace,

Reminding myself that it is ok to have flaws - no one is flawless.

My feelings are hurt but is this real,

I don't know if I can trust what I feel.

I could be dreaming again just like before,

When I was given an option, a choice of each door.

My dreams are always filled with hurt and pain,

Until my eyes slowly open and my babies call my name.

Who I am cannot be repaired,

How can I heal my subconscious become dream prepared?