Struck

It is uncommon to love someone for a lifetime

and yet, I have loved you, from afar, for more than three decades now –

wanting you, needing you, wishing you were here.

-

Growing up, I saw

Love's stability, all around me…

in the marriages of my parents, grandparents, aunt & uncle

even great aunts and uncles…

-

At bedtime, my great aunt & uncle,

side-by-side in bed,

would say prayers and read verses aloud, to each other,

from ‘the good book,’ every night of their lives,

before snuggling to sleep.

-

The peacefulness, simplicity, and love

between them, struck a chord

that still sings, with the notes of eternity...

peaceful, true, faithful, loyal, forgiving, trusting.

-

Yet, here I am, two decades and

two divorces later,

partnerless (although I had great role-models) -

having survived harsh marriages

with great highs and even greater lows;

having survived my ex’s addictions

with three young children in-tow.

And later, enduring the mess of blended family,

only to find out that

- two more children later -

my second husband had other long-term plans than mine

- wanting to become ‘she’ -

and whether I was okay with this or not

had zero bearing on the outcome.

-

Heartbroken thrice,

my mind always floats back to you,

on the other side of the world.

-

It is uncommon that we should still love each other

after so much time has passed,

(but we do,

still thrilling to the sight of the other

on those rare occasions where we’ve locked eyes briefly

over videochat).

-

Sadly,

your marriage is still intact...

(though you’ve admitted, in moments of weakness

when brief online words were exchanged,

that it is sad, for you, too).

But you are faithful and will not break what should not be broken

(nor would I want you to) -

so all communication

has been strangled by our sense of decency.

-

So, while it is an age-old story

of forced marriage versus love

and I am on the wrong side of things

(as are you),

I should be grateful for the uncommon miracle

of having found each other, again,

since we both live literal worlds apart

(and continents, too…. and had both moved, so many times

in the era before internet and cellphones)

and had lost touch.

-

Thanks to Google search

you are again physically found -

yet still not physically mine.

-

Meeting at a religious conference

when we were both so young and green,

we felt the world was ours

and nothing could ever separate us.

-

I loved your intelligence, your quiet wisdom,

your patience, the energy when our hands connected...

your spirit.

-

The love I feel for you

still wakens me at night, still haunts me during the day.

I sometimes see you, too, awake in the wee hours,

online, on Facebook -

but we don’t talk

watching each other’s online presence

in silent admiration

and longing.

-

For, to do the right thing

is important

and although perhaps uncommon

and daunting

it is what must be done -

in order to be respectful, honest, and true

to the ideals we both share.

-

To love, is to respect that sometimes

Duty calls us to be more than we think we can be.

And sometimes I think this is the hardest thing:

to watch in silence

someone whom I so deeply love

but who cannot be mine again...

-

It is a bitter

yet sweet

uncommon love.