'Stop Yelling at Me'

When I say, ‘stop yelling at me.’ it’s all a jokey tone. I don’t want the situation to escalate. I want the world to know I’m okay, you’re okay.

Years of building unhealthy coping skills have me making light of every situation that might show signs of the turmoil within.

Because inside I’m fighting. Fighting myself. Fighting my fight or flight instincts. Inside I’m telling myself, ‘I’m being ridiculous,’ ‘I deserve the way I’m being spoken to,’ ‘I did something to upset you,’ ‘it’s my fault,’ ‘I shouldn’t have done whatever I did and now I must apologize for it/make up for it.’

I can’t change these habits, these thoughts, these arguments inside me. I can’t change them overnight or easily for that matter no matter how much I want to, but I can let you in on the truth: I’m finally getting my voice back.

I’m finally in a safe place. I’m finally brave enough to put into words what I really mean.

When I say, ‘stop yelling at me…’ I mean: the tone of your voice is triggering. The way you are speaking to me is not conducive to having a rational conversation. Whether it is your intention or not I will no longer be a participant in any conversing while I feel attacked.

I will immediately stop talking. I will agree with whatever you say in order to protect myself from further berating. Protecting myself from any abuse that is possible to show its ugly head at my own stupidity of causing to anger you.

It will take time for me to identify the emotion you are feeling, but when the tone is harsh, I revert to ‘I did something wrong,’ It’s not right and I’m not trying to place the blame. It is only what it is and inside the blame game is wreaking havoc on me.

When I say, ‘stop yelling at me,’ what I mean is I need a second. I need more time to wade through the real emotions. I need more clarification on the topic. I need patience above all else.

I understand that this… that I appear difficult, but if you stick through it, I can promise I am worth the misunderstandings and headache. I love with every ounce, I do whatever possible for those who mean anything to me. Give me your patience and some time, and I will move heaven and earth for you.

When I say, ‘stop yelling at me,’ please look past the fake smile on my face and see the pain in my eyes. Lower the volume, change the tone, and sometimes over explain your stance on the subject. I am worth it. Fastest way to cut me off is not seeing the person I am becoming in the smallest increments possible, but becoming still.