spin cycle

the last two weeks have been hell

an overwhelming cycle of overstimulation

while i try to desensitize myself to the

hyper-analyzation via modes of communication

while i try to hide in the closet

crying and eating peanut butter cups

laced with tears

i’ve tried to do everything right

but it’s turning out all wrong

i get one step closer to safe

and have to take two steps

back to humiliation and pain

‘you’re being way too hard on yourself’

my spiritual friend says

she’s right

i know it

a moment of clarity shines through

like taking a clean cloth to a dirty mirror

depression is a beast

a fucked up heroin shooting psycho beast

that breaks bad in your head and is super good at spinning little shit

out of fucking control to the point that

you find yourself crying

in the closet

eating peanut butter cups

laced with tears

the first time i remember feeling this way

was in high school

i don’t remember what triggered it

i only remember sitting on the floor

of the last stall of the girl’s bathroom in the quad

sobbing and talking about killing myself

several friends sat with me

talked me back to that place of clarity

and so the last couple of days

i’ve been working hard to hang on to

my friend’s words’

‘you’re being way too hard on yourself’

that i can make good decisions in the moment

the decision needs to be made

that i am intelligent and warm and kind

and that i treat people with respect

and i deserve the same

and i hear her words and i wonder why it is so difficult

to believe them?

what is it about our self concept that precludes us

from believing the best about ourselves?

or is it just me?

or is it just depression?

or is it CNN?

donald trump is our president

i just threw up in my mouth

how did this happen?

i had hope a few days ago

for our first female president

now we have our first non-political president

that we might save our social justices and work to defend more

now we are regressing to before social justice was

even something of which our nation was cognizant

the news cycle of bannon and access and trumps children

and money and power and title and entitlement and

protesting and infighting and name-calling and here comes

that beast again

turn it off

i can’t look at him with his young son standing behind him

looking so awkward

why is he there?

he’s still learning how a bill becomes a law

for fucks sake

turn it off

but what did i hear about gay marriage?

we’re gonna break some bad

please don’t take away my marriage

turn it off

no. no they can’t do take away my marriage

spinning spinning just keep spinning

supreme court justices

defer to states on roe v wade

spinning spinning just keep spinning

build a wall. an actual fucking wall.

well i guess that will create jobs

bad break

now turn it off

control the spin

walk away and save yourself

control what you can

what is right in front of you

reach out to more of your friends who love you

and won’t let you get all spinny

and wacky and weird

my spirit brother reaches back to me through text

from california

“don’t worry” he says, “peanut butter is healthy

and chocolate has antioxidants”

i continue to breathe

slowly

he sends another text

“and our kind really shouldn’t hang around in closets

so climb out of there, get your big girl panties on,

and smile sister”

i love him

meditation

mindfulness

deep breathing exercises

all of these work

but you have to find the clean cloth

and reach out and rub the mirror first

and then look in it

you have to have a moment of clarity

that’s not entirely true

during a panic attack, deep breathing can be very helpful

but again, if you’re by yourself

which i usually am

because, let’s face it, i don’t like to have my meltdowns around others

it’s a vicious circle

anxiety, depression, panic attacks, chronic pain, ptsd

and trying to hide it all so you can take care of everyone else

and their issues

oh, and get your house built

and find a job

and get dinner made

and do laundry

and pick up poo

spinning spinning just keep spinning

and vacuum

and dust

and did you call sears

and did you send in that paperwork

spinning spinning just

stop

breathe

stop the cycle

for now