Sisyphus' Curse

Let life’s course

play out naturally

fear of the unknown

boulder struggling

to get up the hill

Hades himself damned

to painful endeavour.

Sisyphus senseless

soul stealing

rolls right back down

start again

boulder represents everything

particularities are my specifics

but this weight was passed down to me

career

relationships

family ancestry

immigrant model minority

confusing existence

guilt shame fear

hoarding of memories

all into one giant boulder

heaviness holding

carrying this weight

everywhere I go

endlessly pushing

up this hill.

Hoping to rest at the top

for a split second

feel success in a goal

moment of release

I made it!

then the boulder falls

all the way back down

to the bottom

and I start all over again

I’ve never asked anyone to help me

push this up the hill

It’s always been a lonely endeavour.

Sometimes I can see

others pushing theirs too

a thumbs up, a head nod,

supportive word

meaningful mentorship

we’re all going through too

but what if I got it to the top

and I can let it go

on the other side

of this hill

the fear that paralyzes me

the uncertainty of discovery

same way I’ve pushed

and fallen so many times

I know it

I’ve seen it

the boulder intact

but if I let it go on the other side

it may crack crash

break or be destroyed

fall into lava

be stolen away

uncertainty consumes me

so I keep pushing up

the same damn hill.

This is not working

stopping my acceptance

of possibilities,

and who knows

if it will be so different,

but it’s time

for change of scenery

breaking can be a good thing.

To carry pieces I need

instead of the whole boulder together

the absurdity is not lost on me,

this life claiming

to know what is best

given solace

to a confined confused heart.

So I yearn to tip

this consuming mass

over the edge

the other side to see

how releasing

letting go

into the unknown feels

even if its dreadful

disconnected damnation

I am preparing for open discovery

the repetitive insanity of certainty

has caused me

to break my own curse

passed down

by generations of hurt.

I am bold

I am daring

I am foolish

but no one will ever say

I lived my life in fear

not going and getting

what I deserve

that was Sisyphys’ curse,

his punishment in life

but that is not my hell to hold

this life is to find the rainbow

rising from the pot of gold.