She was raised in a house where she learned to listen to the tone of oncoming footsteps,
Where she kept her eyes to the floor, fearing the mistake of making eye contact,
Often obediently silenced by a bare hand connecting with bare skin,
And the most reassuring sound was a snore emanating from an adjoining bedroom, letting her know she was finally safe, if only for a little while.
******
She learned to read people before they uttered a word, spending her days diligently watching humanities undercurrents,
Reading the fine print of a glance, a smile, an unspoken word,
Ready, always ready, to react in a split second to the change of the wind,
Constantly on high alert, vigilantly waiting and watching, always anticipating.
******
She learned to silence her voice, to accept life on another’s terms,
To feel shame if she tried to express her emotions, guilt for ever feeling angry or sad,
Taught to internalise such emotions as they made her unlovable,
Convinced her time and time again she should be seen, but never heard, and if she lost control, she learned she was selfish, egotistical and an outcast to society.
******
She learned her childhood lessons well,
So well, she went on to choose partners of a similar vein,
Relationships where she’d constantly walk on eggshells, anticipating, forever waiting,
Consistently ridiculed, belittled, often told she can’t accept the truth of the terrible girl she’d become.
******
She knew she was never enough, while in contradiction to being too much of this, too little of that,
There has never been a Goldilocks solution of being just enough, of being just right,
She was just a shadow of those deemed worthy, those that’d throw her a scrap of their time,
Those that would only ever stick around for a while, casting her breadcrumbs until her replacement was found.
******
Is it any wonder that she shatters in the face of conflict,
That she goes into melt down, as she’s so often accused?
Is it any wonder that she begs to be seen, to be heard, to be understood,
That she pleads for validation?
******
But no, those superior beings need forgiveness without resolution,
To sweep her emotions, her sense of betrayal, her inadequate feelings, under the proverbial rug,
How dare she ask others to face the consequences of their actions,
To help heal her pain, her past traumas, her battered psyche!
******
She knows how flawed she is, she’s certainly told often enough by those that love her,
She knows she’s just a shadow of a human being, an outcast,
She understands she should feel gratitude for the pittance of love cast her way,
The scraps that are ripped away at a moment’s notice; never guaranteed.
******
Why the surprise then that she prefers her solitude, her preference to isolate from society?
It’s where she’s learned she fits best,
On the outskirts of existence, her comfort zone,
Her peace, the only place she’s ever felt totally safe!
******
So, if you see her out there alone, a shadow off in the distance,
Please understand she’s exhausted, what with having to always be on guard, never relaxed,
For she’s her only form of protection, the only one she can trust,
The only safe constant, solitarily fighting this war we call life, just trying to survive the day.
About the Creator
Colleen Millsteed
My first love is poetry — it’s like a desperate need to write, to free up space in my mind, to escape the constant noise in my head. Most of the time the poems write themselves — I’m just the conduit holding the metaphorical pen.
Keep reading
More stories from Colleen Millsteed and writers in Poets and other communities.
Absolute Zero
My ambitious maw couldn't keep me warm anymore. You were the wolfhound that kept attacking it to sustain yourself. Everything you could steal, you did no matter how insignificant. You siphoned my life in small increments in order to achieve a sense of regularity. It was all for appearance's sake. You were the rat king my tail kept getting attached to. I would scurry away but all to no avail. I wallowed in compromise and misery in an attempt to be less for you. I was driven but you were threatened by anything resembling intelligence. You loved me being incomplete. I pretended to be deaf so you could speak for me. I chose silence so you could choose for me instead. I learned to surrender because you felt some desperate need to be in command. My opinion of you continued to shrink. You were never the almighty one you convinced yourself you were. It's amazing how fragile your masculinity was so you had to take my dignity to supplement. I was the undead carcass you kept feeding on. You couldn't find your own food source so you used me for your appetite. You refused to find shelter so I became your haven at the expense of myself. You somehow always knew better, it seemed. Like there was written proof somewhere out there in the cosmos that you were the superior one. I was the deluded victim you had to subjugate and keep isolated. You made it your life's mission to devalue me. You did everything to justify your abusive and callous behavior. You were always my biggest disappointment, You made sure I didn't deserve better. I had to worship you because you lived off of recognition. I was kept hostage for 15 years while you remained drunk off of my tears. I was the aberration I sought but could never enforce. You were the unwelcome savior that felt compelled to trap me. I was held captive and was forced to enjoy it. I soared beyond your limitations but you punished me for that. My entropy was at always at your mercy. You wanted me at my lowest, at absolute zero. My energy was at your disposal. I was a dedicated zombie that couldn't breathe without your permission. I was forever caught in your perpetual undertow. What would it mean to prosper? What would it feel like to reclaim my power? I was the walking dead you feared would rise against you one day. I wasn't willing to join you at your subterranean level. My melancholy is no longer my friend. I have slowly ascended to the height I always pictured myself achieving. My endeavors refuse to be frigid and tepid. You are banished to the frozen exteriors of my mind. Where polar ice and bleak extremities knew me so well. I was once at absolute zero. I was a former version of myself you kept hidden for fear of losing to. I'm not who I used to be. I am allowed to evolve beyond arctic cold. I'm thawing out, slowly but surely. The temperature is rising and so am I. My heat obliterated you because you kept stripping me of it. I was a motionless entity, encased in marble glacier, a reminder of all that I had dreamt of. Those dreams have returned. They have bestowed their value unto me once more. I'm not your captive anymore. I've been diminished long enough. Go be one with your beloved entropy. My energy cannot be destroyed nor removed anymore. You have no more influence over me anymore
By Anna Torres2 days ago in Poets
Silver Screen Magic with Mae West
American actress and singer Mae West became a popular film actress during the Great Depression. She started entertaining in vaudeville, then performed on Broadway, and finally went to Hollywood. She signed up with Paramount Pictures and made her debut in the 1932 film “Night After Night.” She also starred in musicals, comedies, and crime dramas. The American Film Institute named her one of the best classic Hollywood actresses.
By Rasma Raisters3 days ago in Geeks
Comments (10)
Beautiful-As I was reading this I was watching my life unfold and it took me a minute as I grasped for the words of a song about "except for the names and a few other changes" and it came to me. Neil Diamond;s "I AM I SAID".. partial lyrics and the song is soaringly beautiful: "I am", I said To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair "I am"... I cried "I am"... said I And I am lost, and I can't even say why Leavin' me lonely still Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king And then became one Well, except for the names and a few other changes If you talk about me, the story's the same one But I got an emptiness deep inside And I've tried but it won't let me go And I'm not a man who likes to swear But I've never cared for the sound of being alone
Read your poem on Medium. . Let me see. I would gladly swim from California to Australia just to say hi to you Colleen and maybe get a hug. But oh no, I could never go over to medium to read your poem.. It's just too much trouble. How dare you ask a thing like that – LOL
This is funny. I join vocal in 2022 and dropped out. Now I signed up again for real and they think I've been here since 2022
Dang it Colleen, you made me cry........(Do it again.)
Wow. So sad yet so true for too many. This is so poignant and touching I want to give this person a hug, a smile, a kind word. Great work Colleen.
So sad, yet beautifully written.
Ugh, so sad.
So very sad… she can change, though it won’t be easy.
The girl of yesterday. I hope she is empowered now???? I hope her life is better !
This was so emotionally depthful and heartbreaking. Loved it so much!