Scared

I'm scared.

I'm scared to leave myself alone.

And I'm scared to go home.

And I don't want to lie to my friends.

But the truth is nowadays I don't believe myself when I say 'I'll see you again.'

My current trend involves lying in bed until the sun goes down and hiding in between an old dressing gown and leaning tower of take out I keep precariously balanced on the bedside table strategically placed in front of the photos and clothes that I don't have the heart to tell you to come and get because deep down I know that if they go. You're gone. Forever.

And every day feels like the most bittersweet, backhanded sarcastic blessing.

Like 'Fantastic, Yipee ki yay, I made it through another day but my stomach hurts, I can't smile and I still have the urge to hit my head off the bathroom tiles.'

And I wonder why the headaches last a while.

Sometimes I dream. I dream of love, life and death of endless wealth, better health one time I dreamt I was a black belt. Shades of blue, green, pink and red flutter around my head and the only common trend is that none of it makes sense.

I guess what I want to express is that my stress runs deep. A constant competition between the urge to keep my head above water and the need for a good nights sleep.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared to be alone.

I'm scared to be outside.

I'm scared at work.

And I'm scared at night.

All in all

I'm just fucking scared.

Alright?