RSM

I have been learning to be middle-class

but there have been setbacks such as: I have 'mental health'

which is like stress but you're not really allowed

to talk about it; spiders come crawling out of the walls

but I can't very well say to my sensible married

4x4 colleagues that these are because I am

in love with a man I really shouldn't be

and that I am thus because I have carved my world

and my personality into real and unreal for so long

that I have forgotten

which one is which and I am worried I might

mix them up at some crucial moment such as I might

kiss him or I might tell you all

fuck it I quit I am off to ruin my life again

I don't know if this is OCD or RSM (Real Serious Madness)

so I pretend not to see the spiders until

someone else notices one in which case of course I do

take her calmly outside apologising for the lack of eviction notice

but you know what humans are like, don't you? Better than

you, she says, stretching her elegant legs and leaving. So you see

I have been learning but there have been setbacks such as

I tried faking it and then I made it but the space in my head

usually occupied by FEAR PAIN LOATHING couldn't get filled up

with all your smiles and encouragement so here I am acting again,

and some days very glad

that the windows of this tall tall building

don't open.