Planxty Vocal (Inverted)

Hello folks, Conny here!

In the run up to St. Patrick's day, and the recent Limerick challenge, I have been looking into older Irish forms of poetry and song, and have decided to write a planxty in honour of Vocal!

A planxty is a tune that was written by a bard (or file) in honour and praise of a host. It comes from the Brehon-era (pre-Norman) Celtic landscape. Sometimes it can have accompanying poetry. Usually, a planxty is a piece of music for harp, written in triplets and slower than a jig. The tune would often be named in honour of the host and was considered to be a bit of a social win. (Think being the first house in the street to get double-glazing in the 90's)

In the social standing of the era, file ("fill-a") were wandering bards: poets, musicians, historians, comedians, matchmakers, diplomats and spies all rolled into one. The file had a higher social status than a king, and were revered throughout the lands. The nearest European equivalent would be the trouveres and troubadours of medieval France.

The most famous of the file was also the last of them. Turlough O'Carolan (1670-1738) was a blind harpist who carried the ancient, wandering tradition until his death. His music retains a beauty that I find sublime, and I have added two examples here for you to try.

Given Vocal's recent decision-making, I have rolled up my sleeves and decided to write them a planxty suite of poems that they will understand.

Please enjoy my 'inverted' planxty. I can confirm that:

a) I have read the rules of this competition fully, and

b) I'm ignoring them and doing what I want.

I assume, given Vocal's recent announcement, that this will be eligible to win. I hope you enjoy.

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1

So...deep down we've all known all along,

That this website's a bit of a con,

Let me expand my screed

To expound on their greed,

And perhaps you will then sing my song

2

When you think in cash terms, bang for buck,

By Vocal we're royally fucked

The curation is null,

And the challenges dull,

10 bucks monthly to bet on pot-luck.

3

Then THE challenge will come if you please,

And each writer, their muse they will squeeze

Solid hours of toil,

Passions left on the boil,

But of course it is always a tease.

4

And the homepage, a bane to my eye!

Half the stories are blatant AI

And the rest brown of nose,

Licking at Vocals toes

Yeah, I'd rather just curl up and die.

5

(I think now's a good time to mention

Sour grapes here is not my intention.

Though I peck like an eagle

My problem is legal

And the only cause for my dissension.)

6

Firstly, let's check T's and C's

(I'm a fella who always reads these)

Submission Guidelines, point 3,

(Seems clearcut to me)

Can Vocal explain this then please?

7

Oh you say the haiku was INVERTED?

Well, with fantasy there you have flirted,

Result-oriented reasoning

Has a bullshit-like seasoning.

The Agreement with us you've perverted.

8

(An inverted haiku's a ukiah,

Not the poem-form the challenge required.

So when they say it's fine,

Let's just mark a wee line

Where they go from 'trusted' to 'liar'.)

9

The Agreement to which we're both tied

Oh Vocal, to which we abide?

Breach terms unalloyed:

Our Agreement is void,

Ten bucks to me you should provide.

10

But a Planxty I've promised to ye,

And inverted now...yes, let me see

A stanza of praise

That will echo for days

For the service you've given to me:

11

You're financially vague with transparency hazy

Your challenges cliched, your curation lazy

You're unclear and poor-run

And it's no longer fun

The incompetence drives me so crazy.

12

The website is buggy, responses are slow

Decisions are muggy and reads do not show.

You treat us, by heck,

Like a faceless blank cheque,

And you wonder why profits are low?

13

I now draw a close to my suite,

And I do hope for you it's a treat.

If you can't understand,

How you damage your brand,

Then your failure's already complete.