Palette of Colors

Colors have fascinated me from the beginning of time.

Mixing a collection of colors so similar or separate from one another

on a white canvas has intrigued my mind since I was 4.

I’ve always been told that I have a talent,

that my color schemes are exquisite,

incredibly accurate to the reference.

However, they don’t know the reason why the colors are so absolute.

For a long time, it seems I only saw colors on the canvases I painted.

My life otherwise was in Black and White.

It may be strange to hear,

such a young child yet all color dimmed from her life.

Trauma and pain ripped them away.

The disconnection and turmoil at home made my mind scattered.

Made me feel numb.

Empty.

Detached.

The misery I felt made my life colorless.

So I painted

and painted

and painted some more,

to keep some sort of color in my life.

It was the only way I gripped onto sanity.

At the age of 12, my wardrobe became saturated with Black.

I felt like a shadow.

Like a ghost roaming the Earth in purgatory.

I felt very Blue.

Hopeless.

Miserable.

Sorrowful.

I felt like I was drowning.

Drowning in the tears I cried every day.

I felt very Red.

Resentful.

Bitter.

Enraged.

I wanted to scream.

To punch and kick everything near me.

I felt very Purple.

Disgusted.

Disappointed.

Judgmental.

I felt all these emotions within myself.

Towards myself.

I carried so much self-hatred.

I couldn’t do anything right.

I tried to end my life, I couldn’t do that right either.

For a long time, I was living life on autopilot.

I was just existing.

It wasn’t until I moved out of that house that I started to feel better.

Living in a new setting with these beautiful souls is probably what saved me.

We did everything together.

Went everywhere together.

Ate together.

They became my sisters.

The closest relations I have ever had.

Through them, I learned to see color again.

I became mesmerized by how beautiful colors like Yellow and Orange were.

Colors that mean happiness, warmth, confidence.

Colors I never took notice of before.

Orange became my favorite.

For a long time, I felt like it was the color of my aura.

Slowly my Black clothes were replaced by ones of color.

I acquired pieces of Blue, Red, Purple, Green, even Yellow garments.

For once in my life, I felt happy.

Thankful to be alive.

I never thought I’d see the day where I woke up grateful to be breathing.

They opened up something within me I didn’t know existed.

I saw the world through a new lens.

One of love instead of hate.

We painted together

and painted

and painted some more.

The sun would shine through the window

as laughter and music would fill the air.

And for once in my life, I truly saw color.