outside the box

Part I

I once limited myself in regard to my concept of existence

by holding my expressions of life captive in a cardboard box

with dried label marks in thick black ink

whose permanence stretched out over each of the six flat brown faces

swoops and lines of “this side up” “fragile” “handle with caution”

the empty space inside filled with plastic sheets of tiny air bubbles

then sealed by the sturdiest metallic tape I could find in a messy drawer amongst screwdrivers and barbecue lighters

a plain brown box kept me comfortable and gave me a safe place to hide

of course my eyes could grow blind to the significance of its contents

dust coated and faded stale scribbles I found the box years later

wondering what it would be to let my perception feel new air

nails just scraped at the tape’s corners with thin layers of cardboard riding up along with it

I let myself bend all four sides of the lid back

change felt:

wrong sudden overwhelming

I panicked hurried to push it all back inside seal it closed

suffocation was:

comforting familiar easier

but the tape didn’t stick I was too late but perhaps right on time

Randomly in moments most unexpected I gasp sharply because I am aware

I try not to resist the inevitable like the forming of dew drops in my eyes or the shudder and the quake of another lightning strike

close my eyes and please for the love of all things holy

take me back to how I knew me let me stay in this black veil of peace

this dark room of nothing that feels so much safer than the light

open my eyes and please with a lack of love and holy

I fear the living the ruthless and brutal

fire fueled rage and hurtful pounding the beating of the living

Part II.

cry and cry and cry and cry is it supposed to rain this much here?

I doubt I would benefit from more rain then again, I could see it

thriving in the midst of cold dark days poetic in nature really

I could try to find faith in the wet against my skin my heartbeat is a reminder

I do not apologize for it that sacrificial lamb has long since passed

the approval I needed was given all along I welcome myself to enjoy full existence

skin tied to bone and beating in the middle fleeting and fading unbound to brown

I will hold it "this side up"

I will allow it to be "fragile"

but I could never "handle with caution"