"Obituaries"

Obituaries

03/02/2024

Dwayne Sagamore, 33, was declared dead yesterday, after being flattened by a steamroller. Sagamore, a purported time-traveler, had vanished from the time-space continuum precisely 20 minutes prior, according to his grotesque, walleyed lab assistant. Authorities concluded that Sagamore had overlooked Leap Day, confounding his Flux Capacitor. Upon reappearing, 24 hours passed his ETA, the construction site, which Sagamore had used as a staging site for his experiment, had reopened for business.

04/22/2024

Arlen Braithwaite, 49, died protesting DWP’s recent rate hikes by peeing on downed power lines. According to his childhood pastor, his pregnant girlfriend, and the VFW's barkeep, Braithwaite, who’d spent the day “noodling,” and pounding “tall boys,” was destined for a gruesome, premature, and self-imposed Darwinian departure.

07/15/25

Laramie Longmire, 62 years old, died in a freak equestrian accident Sunday. Bartleby, Longmire’s pet parrot, claims that Magnus, an Appaloosa bottom 16 hands in height, demanded “versatility” from his groomer. When Longmire proved unwilling to accommodate the leviathan equine’s needs, Magnus forced the issue. At his family’s request, both halves of Longmire’s corpse will be buried in an unmarked grave, in a distant corner of a disused potter’s field.

01/24/22

Bartholemew “Bart” Barlow, resident operator of Last Resort Crematory’s retort, perished last Friday. "Karma” was his COD. Barlow is survived by 2 ex-wives, who both promptly laid claim to his trove of Southeast Asia-made MAGA swag. Barlow’s estranged family preemptively declined to attend his funeral, lest they "get stuck with the bill." Barlow was a loner, and a felon, who blamed DEI for his nadir life station, never his jailhouse tattoos, his surly disposition, his dearth of education, his subpar personal hygiene, his numerous DUI convictions, or his extremist political views. His parole officer described him as the kind of South Florida scumbag who adorns his gas-guzzling full-size jalopy with NRA stickers, even after Pulse, and Parkland.

According to his now former colleagues, Barlow was known to manhandle minority corpses. Last Wednesday, vengeance may have struck from beyond the grave when an Indic corpse’s rigor-rigid hands hooked Barlow’s suspenders as he hoisted it onto a conveyor belt. Said belt delivered both corpse, and captive, to the conflagration.

01/29/22

Robert LaMay, 50, of Yakima, WA, died yesterday, 4 months after choosing to resign from his job as an LEO, rather than comply with his agency’s vaccine mandate. Though inoculations have been a staple of modern medicine for 226 years, LaMay bought into Laura Ingraham’s politically calculated contrivances on the subject, drowning in his own fluids as a consequence. LaMay, no doubt, died ruing the day he chose MAGA misinformation over modern medicine’s majority conclusions. He’s survived by a secretly grateful widow, a gene pool less one Right-Wing rube’s knee-jerk obstructionist genes, and two orphans who must now "retcon" their father's Darwin Award-worthy death as their father's selfless act of self sacrifice.