No Need to Wait for Heaven

Through the mists of my glazed memories, a shard of certainty appeared.

It forced me to turn around and face the nagging reality behind me.

For quite some time, in the not so distant past, I felt no pain though I am in misery.

Your presence numbed the hurts, and your humor helped pull me through.

You made me laugh and made me smile, albeit all the angst and agony.

You were at my side showing me how to fight, as you battled with your own anxieties.

You caressed my heart with your strength, and toughened my soul with your frailties.

You laid bare your life for me to see; letting me care for you as you protected me.

Needless to say, I fell for you; notwithstanding my resisting brain.

I dwelled in what my eyes can see, wishing thins are the same for you.

I did not care for the blatant truth, never heeded the warning signs.

All I wanted was to be with you, to feel alive inside.

Companionship was all we had, things never went beyond.

But in my mind, I made believe that there is more to what you never say.

I would just have to close my eyes and my heart would soar with yours.

I would just think of the moments we shared, and you would seem to belong to me.

When I'm with you, I look detached. But when you're gone, I would hold you in my arms.

You see my life the way others do, the pretentions never slipping out.

But then, life has its cruel ways of bringing forth what is real.

The truth slowly gnawed on my fantasy, and slashed through the mirage.

In the passing of a fleeting second, I found myself in solitary existence.

In your absence, I subsisted on memories because I have no right to ask for more.

I struggled to grasp on my waning dream, not wanting to face the bitter reality.

Then, one question snapped the thread of deceit and crushed the wall of my illusion.

The rude awakening left me with nothing but undeniable pain.

I would have wished for stupor (a deadened mind) until all is forgotten.

But my heart has been fighting the numbness as our memories pass through my head.

Tears would course down my cheeks as I reminisce the laughter we shared.

It looks as though I’m wedged in my woes , and that I could never be freed from my hurts.

It really seems that I have lost you forever, and that I could only be with you in heaven.

But I simply refuse to admit that all is lost . I know there’s more to us than just this.

And so I am slowly moving on ; willing myself to crawl back up.

Because no romantic delusion nor broken heart can ever take away what our friendship gave.

And no crumbled hope nor rebuffed wish can shatter what our togetherness has built.

Just for now, I will let my heart cry.

Just for now, I will let my wounds heal.

And I would teach myself to let go of what is not mine.

So that even while in this life , I could laugh with you again.

No need to wait for heaven.