My Own Me

Breathing in and breathing out

That sweet, serene, and soothing air

All around my space, vacant and still

Refreshed and clear, I do declare

The silence in the small house

With all the furniture, silently giving their consent

The time to think, the time to wonder

Over the actions I did with good intent

The translucent rays of sunshine through the white blinds

Give light to thoughts and thoughts into words

“I did it, I said, “I am finally free

From their toxicity, from their bullying, from their burns”

Their phone numbers, whisked away by invisible angels

To drop them down a deep, dark hole

Their faces and names, unchanged in their fakeness

Travel down to hell, along with their hearts of coal

My phone lays on the dented coffee table

Light like a small child, yet carries a heavy burden

Tasked with more responsibility than communication

But with securing and protecting me, I am certain

Gone, gone away from my memory

Though scarred and etched, the marks never leave

My feelings fervent and burning, yet calm and stoic

I still somehow stand and somehow, I say, “I believe”

Blocked from my continuing life’s journey and story

Blocked from reserving a space in my heart

I knew if I kept them there, blackness and darkness would grow

Simply tearing me apart

The past was the past as they tried with all their might

To tear me down, to stoop me to their level

Their level of insecurities, fears, and gaslighting tactics

Their own version of their own devil

I grew away from them, like the one sole flower

Where I bloomed at my own speed.

The world moves on as do they

Though they simply remain as a toxic seed.

They grew and traveled elsewhere

Spreading the same fake friend character traits

Bringing their dark stormy clouds and downpours of madness

Only soon enough, karma still awaits

I sit in the silence with smiles and joy

A weighted, dark burden lifted up and said goodbye

“They are gone. They are out of your life. You let them go,”

As I say with a carefree sigh

My demons, my haters, young and old

No longer hold me back with their wretched, suffocating presence

Their chains rusted, crusty, gray, and weak

Broke away when I firmly embraced my own acceptance

My flaws, my strengths, my short stature, my blond and frizzy hair

The mole under my belly button, and my pale skin

All the things external and internal

I hold my head up and grin.

I open my Facebook profile with many friends gone and blocked away

No longer a toxic, green-like presence and aroma fill my space

I see clearly what the blocked “friends” hid away from me

I dealt with them with my poise and my grace.

I want to say a lot to them, but choose to remain silent in front of those fools

How they hurt me, how their ugly mouths uttered and threw knives at me

How they stabbed me and made me bleed to make me fall

How they thought they had won, but I stood back up valiantly

“Move on, you guys, keep on excluding me and gossiping about me.

It’s all 99% BS anyway.

Tell those people those lies, those fibs, how you were the victim.

They’ll see right through you, the true you, someday.”

I turn my back to you and keep on fighting my own battles,

Without you transforming your words into evil deeds.

Trying to bind me by placing insecurities on my shoulders

When it’s really you that really needs to replant your own seeds.

Away from me and my own space,

Where you can grow and bloom

Where you can reassess your character, your conscious, and moral compass

Because there is simply no room.

I opened my heart to you and tried to fit in

You kept pushing me out and excluding me.

For what? Intimidation of someone who actually has a good heart?

Someone who is down to earth and opens her arms so willingly?

They isolated me to truly make me feel alone,

That I was the true problem and they a victim

You made me look bad while you smiled on with your medals

And your egotistic philosophies an apparent wisdom.

As I grew apart from you, a blanket around me started to form,

Wrapping me up with much needed warmth

Telling me in a sweet motherlike tone, “It’ll be alright, there are more people in this world

Better than them and without them, you’ve already transformed.”

“Your smile is brighter and more confident.

Your stance is stronger and straighter.

Your heart grows more than three sizes

All the rest will come later.”

“Never mind those words they said to you

Never mind those actions done unto you

Never mind the lies they spread about you

Insecure, intimidated people only do that to people like you.”

“Those people have been beaten down and berated by others

To a point where they can’t crawl themselves out of a hole

They fall deeper and deeper and sit in their own dirt

Thinking throwing it out and landing onto another person will enhance their own soul.”

“By putting others down, they think they will rise back up

And walk amongst the crowds with happiness and pride

Instead of seeing how much further and further they are sinking

And in for a long, arduous, and dirtier ride.”

“They show their true character and indirectly say,

‘I’m insecure about my myself and they need to feel my pain

In order to be happy and feel fulfilled.’

That’s not you, your good heart and soul still remain.”

“You are you and that is your comfort.

Your valiant shield that reverberates the negativity back to your enemies.

Keep your head up, your character in check, and your heart on your sleeve.

These invisible things are your precious amenities.”

I put my phone down, I stand up, and go outside

Looking towards the sky so blue with a yellow, beaming sun

I feel the cool breeze touching my skin

As if it were hugging me and whispers so softly, “You won.”

I plop on the green, luscious grass

Inhale, exhale, and repeat

The stillness and silent outdoors bring a sense of peace

What a special, deserved treat.

I am me, I exist, and I am strong

I conquered storms that tested my sanity

I live and breathe this air like anyone else,

My character is strong and so is my mentality.

The now, the present, is where I stay

I only look forward to my own future,

To the promised tomorrow for me, what will happen?

I stay my own me, a little newer

I ceased to listen to those voices in my head

I emerged as triumphant

I won my mental battles with my shield, my valor, my blanket, and faith

All my amenities bundled together are my greatest source of comfort.