My Home

Stay home; lockdown, isolation.

Don’t leave, don’t visit, don’t have company over.

Stay home.

Where is home?

I am home.

My home is within me.

I find safety under the roof of my parents. But this is not my home.

For a moment my home was halfway across the globe.

Another plane ticket and my home was on an island in the middle of an ocean.

I am home.

My home is within me.

But this house is not my home.

I love myself.

I used to hate myself.

I would lie awake at night wondering why people didn’t like me.

Why I didn’t like me.

Wondering why I didn’t have my own friendship family.

Wondering how those large groups of friends weren’t my friends.

How I could get friends that would last that long and be there at any beckon call?

How can I be them, those people who are not me?

How do I get that?

I used to put myself in uncomfortable situations because I wanted to fit in with that specific group of friends.

But that’s not me, that is not my happiness, that is their happiness.

Are they even happy?

That was me then.

I chose to go.

I turned to discomfort to find my comfort.

I was here all along. Just waiting to find myself.

I have begun to love myself like nobody else could.

I used to want people to love me how I wanted to be loved.

The problem arises that the feeling of being loved was something I sought out and yet I didn’t know how to even begin to love myself.

That’s unfair to them, me, and everyone who sat back and watched it unfold.

I know who I am and what is within me.

There will be uncomfortable situations.

Lots of broken yet gained relationships.

I will put myself in uncomfortable situations to learn.

I will learn from every situation that comes to me.

These situations are an invitation to learn.

This is how loving myself will take place.

There is a realization that hurt has been placed on people.

I needed to love myself first.

I walked away from relationships, friends, loved ones, emotional, intimate relationships,

I needed to love myself and be honest to myself before I could love anyone else.

I have my own wishes.

Those people who say they care about you will stick by your side no matter what struggles.

I am home.

My home is within.

~Britny Roman