My hearts CrAck

My hearts crack

Who put it there?

I can’t tell if it was a fault of my own or someone else who needed to take a piece of mine to mend their own

either way, it’s temporary but it’s painful

how do I heal my heart crack?

I’ve tried to go inside and patch it up

maybe I need to go deeper, maybe I’ll find the rat eating at my heart, or who finished its meal ages ago and didn’t clean up and close the door.

I will not blame self, she never meant to hurt me

that’s unless I’ve hurt her, or someone else.

I miss the feeling of intimacy, craved it, and yet still ran from the slightest graze of it

why? what’s wrong Ruhani? who hurt you? what’s stopping you?

I deserve love? I deserve love.

I am love, I am loved, I am lovable

and I do not have to be perfect to be loveable

and I love myself wholeheartedly, that’s all I’ve been learning to do for years, so why can’t I let anyone else love me when I love so much,

Am I in my way? Standards? Bullet points?

Checklists? I guess yes but I just want to feel and be felt, when will I realise what room needs to be cleaned out and finally close that door. I don’t know if I’m truly ready, but I’ve grown out of the space I am in with love.

Tears flow when I’m shown the capacity of love, I give and struggle to receive.

I am in love with my own strength and ease to love self and others, and one day I’ll find that love ten times for me to swim in with him in.

this isn't just about him, it never has been, but as I know the abundance of love I've cultivated for myself deserves a heavy pouring back into I'm coming straight for you my love, I'm so excited to feel what all the fuss is about because I never actually have so here we go, I know the beginning won't just flow but that's probably apart of the journey as you and I will already be whole, so coming together will feel like fusing with a flame, it'll feel like the ocean meeting the rain, it'll feel like the wind stroking the leaves, it'll feel like the birds and the bees, like static but also ease.

I deserve love. I've remembered it from bellow, it will be sent from above.