Light and Dark through Luteal

Outside

the sky is blue

the air warm

and birds sing in the sunshine.

Inside

a flick of a switch

the mood changes

and oh! Here we go again!

Feeling that rollercoaster lurch downwards

No! More like a spiral

I descend

into the dark.

Down here are my old friends

Anxiety and Depression

that strange mix of fight or flight

alongside PMDD feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

But it’s much more too.

My mind wades through treacle

for days.

No attention, no focus.

I realise what this has seen me lose,

My ability to pay attention in any setting.

Friendships.

Multi-tasking.

Relationships.

To do the simplest of tasks,

or watch my favourite tv shows.

It’s overwhelming

each time, even being prepared

for what’s coming,

even understanding what is happening.

PMDD. The acronym I didn’t know about until 2019. The thing I’d never experienced before. First time I thought I was losing my mind. I know now I am not. It is, simply put, a severe negative reaction in the brain to my own changing hormone levels. I have this neat trick of being able to pinpoint the exact moment I enter the luteal phase of my cycle. I rationalise, crack jokes, even though inside I feel engulfed by the darkness and duality PMDD brings. There is power in knowing and understanding, but I am still not myself, my inner monologue noisy with overthinking thoughts.

Inside

I wish away the days

I want to sleep through them

but I survive - others are not so lucky.

Inside

I start to feel another shift

cramps kick in

and I know I am nearly there.

My period arrives.

Inside

the flick of a switch

the mood changes

And I feel relief wash over me.

I am myself again.

Inside

outside

the sky is blue

the air warm

and I thrive in the sunshine as the birds sing.

Bryoney Cook ©2022