Less Substance

Where did all my hope go

FUCK

Where did all my words go

Why can’t I just

SHIT

Why can’t I just say what I want to

Because I don’t know what that is

I don’t know if I have the capacity to explain in any depth the treachery of dreams

The entanglement of shadows in my blood

I don’t know whether to follow rhythm or flow of thought

Should I focus on the meter or the measure of my heart

What do I even want to say

I never stop my thinking in the morning

And even when the clock stops the ticking does not

I just don’t have a platform to be confident in speaking

What do my words count for when I’m defeated

The victors write the history so I just write the fiction

And pretend that I’m a warrior and not enslaved to my addictions

Not bowing to the fickle ways of pleasure disconnected

Everything I think write feels like it meant better

I’m not achieving what I could

Nor believing as I should

I’m just thinking of the things I could be saying while I’m tongue tied and lost inside

So much to offer

I think I’m already inside a coffin

I’m coughing up a lung trying to get rid of the vines coiling in my ribs

Throttling every hope with the reassurance that I tried and that I can give up the struggle now

That it’s okay to fail

But that’s not all wrong and that’s where my conclusions comes undone

I think I’m tired of writing black and white

I need to speak in the full spectrum

And express every conflict present in my speculations

I can’t fully address all the filth that I pull in my wake at one time

I should deal with issues as arisen

So I am not

Brought to my knees by the sin bought as a lump sum

I don’t have the capacity to handle all my wrongs as one son

We don’t all live under the same sun at one time

Night enshrouds some while others see light at the end of the tunnel

Running on fumes and fuming with rage

I always thought I would screw my head on right at another time

Doesn’t seem I can make it more days with this disconnect inside