I'm a Conservative

Constitutionality,

like crime, and kids,

like COPS, and the military 

like impeachment, pardons 

war powers, and pederasty,

become our party's top priority

as culture war cudgels

turned against a moral moiety.

Religious freedom never meant,

"choose between a Baptist,

or a Methodist bent."

I'm free to choose none

Or any one of the three.

I'm free to send you packing

When you try to force yours on me.

I'm a Conservative,

Whoa, I'm a Conservative

Intrinsically opposed

to live and let live.

I'm a Conservative.

Yeah, I'm a Conservative

I pack a great big gun

To compensate for my little one.

You're white Anglo-Saxon

patrician-class progeny.

The world is yours by virtue

of Manifest Destiny.

You were taught to see liberty 

as a limited commodity

as a duel to the death

in a zero-sum rivalry.

I'm a Conservative,

Whoa, I'm a Conservative

Intrinsically opposed

to live and let live;

But, I'm a Conservative,

Uncultured, unworldly,

and not the least bit ashamed to be

Whoa, I'm a Conservative;

Livin' country miles short of

high school-level literacy.

Remember that godsent prophet Q,

That "prophet" whose prophecies

never came true?

Seems like just last week

you led a lemming line

sworn to defend some

now abandoned incline.

From no-go zones in Birmingham;

To that masher in the lady's room

is really a man!

Jade Helm, Pizzagate,

Birthers, and Benghazi:

You went balls to the walls

on every conspiracy!

But, to a draft-dodging, debt-welching

racist slumlord parody

who lies to his base pathologically

you bend the knee, and pledge your fealty.

Whoa, I'm a Conservative

Yo, I'm a Conservative

Intrinsically opposed

To live and let live.

I'm a Conservative…

Uncultured, unworldly.

And not the least bit 'shamed to be.

I'm a Conservative…

Hear me shout!

Louder when I don't know

what I'm shouting about!