I can't be gay

I've never been good with labels...

of myself and others

which in turn has allowed me to never judge a book by it's cover

But, this has left me wondering what my sexuallity is

I can't seem to fit perfectly in one category of preference

and yes I'm young so I don't fully understand myself

But who does?

Does any one person completly know themselves inside out?

or are we all just exsisting together doing the best we can to survive

Thats another thing, surviving

I go to a catholic school, live in a catholic household, and I do belive in God

I belive he is good, and he loves everything he created,

but catholicism has no acceptance towards people who are apart of the LGBTQ+, so I'm stuck

If I decided I liked girls how would I not be disowned

I remember in 8th grade I told my mom I considered myself bisexual

she was the most open minded person I knew -at the time-

and that openness was portrayed towards everyone but me it seemed

her expression changed from normal to this tone of defeat, her forehead creased, and thats when I relaized I had made a mistake

I understand being young can mean you don't know yourself to a certain level, but it's not as if I'm making this all of a sudden change,

As a child I was more interested girls than boys and my mom joked about me being gay

probably to ease her fear of me actually being gay (or in my case bi)

at sleeppovers we would talk about crushs, while I sat on the bed staring with dreamy eyes at my bestfriend.. I mean as I got older all I wanted was to be around her, and I knew in 6th grade I wasn't fully straight, but I never labeled myself, because what would that do except put me in danger. Even if I didn't tell anyone, it still made that idea real, and that terrified me

I dont even want to think about how my fathers side would react if they found out their eldest daughter didn't just like guys

back to the point, my mom said it was a phase and didn't talk to me for awhile

she found things to distract herself and basically created this fake idea that I had changed my mind

but it made her happy, and she actually talked to me

so to this day I let her live in her desired reality that I'm fully straight, because I don't think I could stand the look of dissappointment again.