Bartender

On the heels of grief, pain bears down hard. On the heels of death, pain awakens the quiet place between the end of our own life and now. Feeling anything is like seeing a film and in black and white, slow motion, all sound turned off. Just watching. Gritting teeth, awkward smiles and bloody red eyes move around, scanning the others who are feeling something I don't want to feel, but I do. Escapism is all I have ever known. ~

When the hearse drives away a thickening thirst begs to be quenched

Sticky from salty tears, hungry not to feel, feet running while standing still

Dirty dishes piled up become a homage to the last hours, tidiness obsolete

A small clock, the old kind that needs winding up ticks toward midnight

Midnight, a time to go nowhere from the room where cookies were made

Decades of kneading dough suddenly gone, yet the little clock won't stop

Flee. That's me. Come on. No one will miss us, not at this hour, will they?

Flashes of anxiety fill the emptiness, doom is quiet but strong; Go now!

Outside, guilt accompanies me, so I am not alone. Always bring a friend.

Shame, anger, self-loathing, loneliness, all great to hang out with, I'm a pro

Trust me, this is where you follow the light to the corner pub, it's pulsating

Neon lights me up, lust for forgetting, lust for unravelling all of death's

Demands, duties, ice chips, tissue paper, take out food, coffee refills, caring

Caring. Caring can't come along. Snotty noses, callers at the wrong time,

Agony ages us, grips our hands or shirt hems when we try to get away,

Uses us right up until we're just mounds of matter being taken somewhere

Mounds of matter. Separating the good from the inevitable, the last words

From the caring; it really is too much. I choose on the heels of goodbyes

On the heels of broken expectations and well meant embraces to bury

Burden, bury myself with you and without you, with grief, neon lights

Ablaze, I slide onto a familiar, cracked vinyl stool, "Bartender please",

Words come with ease, he knows my call. Last hours before me, is it two?

- I give lousy advice, says the round, fleshy man next to me.

I stare through him, did I ask for anything from him? I began to settle

Sink down within, nothing hurts, no one can understand how wonderful

Fleeing feels, unless, unless you learned from me, to take the final chaser

Whew! It will burn. Just remember, there is a last call for everyone.