I am ashamed of myself

Stanza 1

Today, the light slanted down as if it were ashamed of me.

The little bits of dust floating in the air represent the many small failures of the day, all of which never hit the floor.

Touching the table, I can feel all that has not been said, just like the weight of years that I have carried without anyone being able to see them.

For a moment, I thought about speaking, but my voice stayed behind, tied to a word that is too frightened to be spoken.

Stanza 2

Last night was Christmas Eve.

I spent the entire evening by myself, drinking and counting my glasses as if they were all lost, without ceremony.

The phone rang, and it was my family! A warmth I couldn't even begin to hold.

I informed them that I had eaten dinner with friends, that I had all the voices and laughter that I could hold, and that I would see them on Christmas Day.

Then, I took one more drink to erase the memory of how it felt to be part of something where I did not have to lie.

Stanza 3

I believe I will eventually find myself in a way that I cannot be similar to how I used to be.

Instead, I will learn to trust faces and become comfortable with looking into another person's eyes.

It will be fun to say, 'Merry Christmas' slowly rather than hurrying through it as if I were just doing it out of habit, but saying it like I am giving you an open hand, so you will know where it comes from and that it is being offered.