how i reckon

the work of finding oneself is never easy;

when done correctly,

it is an exacting one.

today, this work is particularly rife with issues and complications.

"but, kp, all these freedoms and choices are laid out before us." yes, and the

effort of choosing authentically comes from stripping away what social influence teaches you when you're too young to question it, preferences and expressions formed before you knew how to fully speak.

it comes from unlearning shame you never asked for,

building comfort with vulnerable expression that honestly reflects your inner world, and

imagining yourself in others in a way that allows you to see our shared humanity.

easier said than done,

but the need for such tasks seems urgent at best. existential necessity, i fear, is more accurate.

you see,

back when i carried the weight of my parents' unworked musings, and their trauma informed my views, i didn't make sense. i was a self at odds with everything i thought was around me. even though nonsense like

the curve of my middle finger, the direction of my cowlick, and the color of my hair determined my sexuality,

and my knees and elbows bent without complaint, because i possessed something other than mental flexibility,

the world made sense.

just a little.

things were simpler because i was taught that when something happened that didn't make sense, it was done by one bad actor, or a small, desperate group of bad actors.

evil existed,

not complex social and political landscapes, coloring all decisions

notions

behaviors.

evil for evil's sake.

in 2001,

things had changed for me.

more than

a more sophisticated belief of what impacts sexual orientation, and

a gradually developing click in my joints; it was

a more nuanced understanding of how the world is...

and why.

the chronic belief that our government acted in "the people's" best interest, not their own;

the baseless assumption that "the people" referred to everyone, not just wealthy white men;

the nagging thought that if "the people" worked hard enough and behaved good enough, then things would go their way, and if they didn't, then things wouldn't;

the persistent idea that our freedoms and our democracy were greater than anything that had ever been conceived of or enacted before,

which had previously plagued me, were aggressively challenged.

around that time, news and political discourse sounded like the rhetoric of the preacher at my church growing up:

condemnation of every religion but white-washed and colonially diluted christianity, a narrow, bordering on violent view of LGBTQIA+ people, and an intoxicating call to rally around the golden calf of american exceptionalism.

so, i began to question things.

my parents had,

believe it or not,

endowed me with and heartily encouraged the use of such beloved gifts as critical thought,

imagination,

and curiosity.

despite raising me in a rigid church, they encouraged me to read and interpret on my own,

to ask questions,

and to challenge things that didn't align or make sense.

those gifts have led me here:

a complicated, nearly non-renderable, deeply critical understanding of the mechanisms that keep our civilization hobbling along, and an uprooted sense of self that unhooks claws clinging to normative assimilation and complacency.

i am still learning, there is much yet to uncover,

but i know where i'm going to apply my efforts and talents,

so that i might create a life that models the world i want to see.

have you joined me?