Hate my heart reeking of monster's love

Am I evil? Is it me? I was born in an evil den,

growing up watching them devour the flesh of innocents,

sitting under the shaded umbrella crafted by them.

Tonight, they might get another child to sit above

the bonfire, let it succumb to its cruel flames

then distribute it to fill their ego.

Tonight again, I will sneak out and grieve

at all the homes demolished.

It’s good, isn’t it? I am good. Or am I?

This won’t restore the family ruined,

my creator will still search until sundown.

What difference does this make?

I can’t make innocent humans look as they are,

vulnerable, capable of sadness, love, and

full of emotions. I have tried but all the time

I screamed to the void or debated with the monster.

The monster hates me, but he loves me too.

I grew under his wings, and traveled the cities on his back.

Once, he made me very happy, today he murmured around,

whispers of his ordeals in other’s ears.

I can still see him, hear him despite all he tries to hide.

He is still the monster and I, his creation.

The monster knows I don’t like him, I want to love him

but how do I? When I see his bloodstained mouth

and smug smile, I hear those screams,

I see the cages enclosing humanity and faces

peeking through the chained locks, waiting to be freed.

How do I love him when I know he will fly again tonight

and set ablaze another home?

How do I accept his love when I hear the roar of his laugh

every night in my dreams.

The roar of his laughter echoing among the cries of desperation.

I know there are other monsters out there,

other monsters with scarier deeds,

and louder growls but I wanted mine to be better.

My monster should have been generous and kind.

Is it too much to ask? For my monster to love me

and not hate anyone else. This is a dark den

and I don’t wish to live here for the entirety of my life.

I want to walk the streets and bump into humanity,

apologize secretly for all they have faced

tell them of my identity. I know they will not hate me.

If today I meet them, I would smile a smile that says

‘I apologize for your suffering.’

‘I am guilty of your loss’.

I don’t know which one is more true.

Maybe they will accept it and accept that half of my heart.

I still wonder if I belong there.

How would I look them in the eye,

knowing I am the creation of the monster?

The monster they attempt to save themselves from

is the same one that shielded me from every storm.

I want to disbelieve all that unfurls before me,

I want to blame the hellfire for my creator’s brutality

but I know it's merely the excuse out of my heart

that I still love the monster. However disregarded,

I can’t unread the fact monster has always been there,

just hidden under the shadows, discreet from its actions.

Now it flies free, destroying civilizations over civilizations.

I want to stop it and not hurt it at the same time.

I am his creation, his eyes mirror mine

I see myself, however inconceivable, turning to him

one day. I wake myself up every day,

shed all that I received from him, and

let the sun drown with fear of becoming a monster myself.

Maybe this is all I can achieve in this life,

if not destroy the monster,

and not become one either.