Fingers Tapping

Fingers tapping, back and forth pacing,

Nervous trembling, heart racing.

Rehearsing lines, refusing help, “Get up off your seat, and go do it yourself.”

“You're 17 years old, my God get it together.” The scary thing is that I suddenly feel under the weather.

Pacing, slight panic, left and right checks,

As long as no one is staring, I’ll be safe on this deck.

This deck of huge crowds, people talking too loud, this craft of hyperventilation.

This ship of disaster, I’ve gotta go, FASTER!

I must escape, I hate this place, this vessel that seems to drown me, rather than keep me afloat.

I can’t process here, I can no longer do this, I do not think that I am safe on this boat.

“What’s wrong with you? Stop being so dramatic.” You would not understand my fright. In my eyes, a vessel such as this one, is not a pretty sight.

You delight in my fright, This condition is my plight. You seem to take joy in my demise,

which makes me ponder whether or not you are a wolf in sheep's disguise.

Have you always felt this way?

Have you always been like this?

Have you always thought my internal issues should be dismissed?

It seems to be that in terms of your happiness, I must feel some dismay.

It saddens me to face this fact, but despite it, I must say.

I know my burdens are hard to carry, as the one who carries them, I wish I could simply will them away.

But truly, I cannot. These battles, you've only seen the surface of, I've always silently fought.

Fingers tapping, back and forth pacing,

Nervous trembling, heart racing.

As a fighter with heavy armour, my happiness I will never stop chasing.

I will fight every battle, I will cross every bridge, I will never put my sword down, despite the fact that there will be days that my lips will sit in a frown.

I will never give up, I will never die out, as someone who's been trapped for so long, one day I will get out.

And once I get out, I'll roam my city freely, hoping feverishly that with delight they’ll see me. Rather than my faded shadow, drowning out my sorrows with hours and hours of tv, submerging myself with paperbacks filled with fantasies, ones I used to wish I could easily dive into, to relieve the pain, and aid in the rendezvous of what was previously my tragic reality.

The tragic reality I once held onto, will one day be an old chapter amongst my story.

But until that day i beg of you, let me face these battles of mine, so that I may overcome them in full glory.

Fingers tapping, back and forth pacing,

Nervous trembling, heart racing.

I’ll say once again, and for the very last time.

The freedom, and the joy of my spirit, soul, and mind is all I've ever sought after, and something I’ll forever be chasing.