Dusk 1

I have felt the air leave my body, wholly, as though a deep wind had been whipped out from my very spirit.

I knew the last thing I saw. Big dissociative eyes, amber and bloodshot, like a hammer had hit my very windpipe with his gaze, those piercing eyes that have haunted me—now like an unsettling whisper. A frenzied phantom. An engorged ghost full of blood but no bones. Red lightning sinking into my throat as his talons gripped me tight. Too tight.

I am but a thinly veiled insult, a once half created canvas, and I lack the depth to linger amongst the mortals in shape and weight and magnitude.

I saw my love in that last black and blue night, in the very stars. Her deep brown eyes that always made me feel like I was never broken, but safe and peaceful and sunny in her quiet embrace.

As I felt my choking, gulping dysphoria dissipate, I felt a floating, though I knew my body was still on earth.

Why did I live so close to happiness just to have to taken away? To snatch the elixir of life from my lips as I tasted the sunshine of heaven, though the malaise of my body and mind still seem to be trapped in my spirit.

I know she is still with me, my sweet Connie.

But who am I?

What has my time amounted to in the grand scheme of the universe?

Do you know how much I need you? How I, even as I felt my legs and innermost petals numbed and drained off from my organs like a deep welling drainpipe, could understand why you sunk my body deep into yours, a red, painful, squelching agony that made us one? The swamp ghost orchid is steeped throughout my dreams, even as I have walked on earth and toiled and been stepped on, the ghost orchid has never once touched the earth yet thrived in the swamps, pearly white and beautiful—-how I long to be born as that orchid. Glowing and floating in the air, singing it’s own silent song and dancing it’s perfectly quiet dance. I must be feeling like a rootless hazard, after all to have lived soaked in pleasures that aren’t like what others feel—-and I’m sure the ghost orchid must understand me. Just as you have so effortlessly, my love.

I always matched your humming sea water ballad with my hummingbird mouth. A strong voice that made us feel like we were one.

I always sunk deeper than your body would go, in your creative and caring mind, I felt as though our waves were on the same length, same tide, same beat.

Now it is dusk, and I feel like a dead bunch of fuzzy things stuck together, ready to evaporate into the air.

I sink into the dusk, as I cover the earth with my heart string, waiting once again for it to latch onto yours.

I know it should be easy to find as we were once so tightly coiled together, even through distance, our strings would find one another’s.