Do You Understand What Despair Is?

Do you know what it feels like as it seeps into every fiber of your being? Your mind, your heart, your soul?

I do.

It consumes me. It is there as a constant unwanted companion.

How do you cope? Can you cope? Can you work your way through it?

I wish I knew the answer. Is there an answer?

Despair tucks me into bed at night. It is the last thought as I drift into the abyss of my dreams.

It greets me each morning. I wake with it filling my every thought.

This morning, I woke terrified with tears on my face. Was that a dream? Is it a foreboding of what is to come in my life, a warning?

Blood covers me. Is it mine? There is someone there; I ask, Did I kill them all?

The answer from the darkness, No, no, you did not kill anyone; the blood is yours.

What happened? No one answers. I lay in bed shaken, not knowing or understanding the dream, trying to reason through my feelings.

Another day has greeted me with reality and all the unanswered questions.

How will you survive?

I wonder. Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Is there a solution out there somewhere? What should I do?

There is a storm brewing in my head. I spend each day with my mind swirling madly like a tornado. There is debris floating there, making it difficult to think.

Sometimes I wonder if people can see it in my eyes, the set of my mouth as I smile. Do they see the deception?

It oozes from me. I can feel it. Can anyone see it, or is everyone afraid to ask the question? Do they think I will splinter into a thousand tiny pieces?

I am. I am afraid.

If I do splinter, I fear I will not be able to put myself back together. Just like Humpty Dumpty. Nobody will be able to put me together again.

I talked to someone close today; someone I cherish. I wonder if my desperation saturates my voice? I try not to let them know but I am unsteady and teetering, trying desperately not to fall into the abyss.

My emotions are swirling and I cry as the conversation ends.

It is interesting this desperation.

Each day, each evening is different. As you might expect my responses vary. I feel like there is a storm raging inside me. Sometimes there is some sunshine and the storm softens. Other times the wind rages and I cannot stop myself and rage with it.

My despair and anxiety opened me up to writing this Tanka poem titled My Raging Storms.

Storm clouds float above

Thunder rumbles in my head

My heart quickening

Lightning strike shattering calm

Foreboding overwhelms me

This poem captures my tumbling thoughts and my raging anxiety. There are days when I feel the storm around me making me feel like I am spinning and tossed about like debris in a cyclone.

I go inward, sinking into myself, looking for a safe place like a cat that has turned in circles and formed a tight circle in a cocoon of peace. I long for that feeling, that solace.

Will I ever find it?

The other night I was preparing for bed, and as I walked into the bathroom, the song “Show Me The Way To Go Home” popped into my head. I had never felt quite this way before, but I wanted to go home to talk to my mother. She would make me feel better. I could talk to her, she would understand, but my mother is not here, she passed many years ago. It was just one more thing to make me feel sad.

Sadder yet is the feeling that if she were here, I would find no answers there. I loved my mother, and it felt good to go home, but she was not one to go to and seek comfort.

Show me the way to go home, I’m tired, and I want to go to bed. Where is my home?

I am so tired. Do you understand what despair is?

Do you know?

I do.