Do I Accept that the Abuse Happened or Stay in Denial?

I’m really good at being in denial.

In denial of the fact that I was abused.

In denial about it being by someone close to me.

In denial about the impact it has on my life now.

I’m really good at pretending it didn’t happen.

Stuffing it all down until I convince myself it’s fine.

But the truth is, it did happen.

And when I stuff it all down the result is ANXIETY.

All the time.

Sometimes I wonder if this anxiety is better than the reality of being abused but the truth is that it’s all connected.

Even if I try to deny the abuse in my mind, my body still knows it happened.

My heart still knows it happened.

The heartache and brokenness is still there whether I feel it or not.

And it impacts my decisions all day long whether I’m aware of it or not.

It seems like I have two choices.

Deny the abuse and let it control my life unbeknownst to me.

Or accept that it happened and work towards healing from it.

The first choice seems like the ‘easier’ one.

To stay in denial my whole life.

But the second choice feels like the one that will actually let me LIVE my life.

Accepting the truth of abuse is so incredibly hard.

It’s almost like your heart breaks all over again.

That’s where I am right now.

My heart broken with the reality of the abuse.

But I’m told this choice is worth it so I’m going to keep going.

Hopefully my heart will start to heal at some point.

I know it will.

But damn, accepting the reality of my abuse is just as painful as the abuse itself.

Maybe that’s because I’m actually letting myself feel for the first time.