What Life is Like After Child Abuse

Sometimes it feels like my heart is breaking in half.

Sometimes it feels like I won’t survive the pain I am experiencing.

The pain of recovering from abuse.

You see, I was abused as a child.

I am grown now, yet I feel like it all happened yesterday.

I see it like it all happened yesterday.

Last night.

This morning.

My poor brain thinks it is still happening.

It’s hyperactive all the time.

It won’t let me rest.

Relax.

It keeps me tense and guarded always so that something as simple as getting coffee with a friend feels like life and death.

It keeps me afraid of leaving the house.

Makes me feel like the world is going to end at any moment.

Tells me that I could die at any moment.

This is what life is like after abuse.

It’s scary and dark and everything feels out of control.

This is what it’s like to live with PTSD. (And C-PTSD)

You can never rest.

I’m told that healing is possible.

I’ve actually been searching for it for a few years now.

Therapy.

Treatment.

Support groups.

I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder but that’s another story for another time.

I long for peace with all I am.

I want it more than anything.

For my brain to be quiet for just a few moments.

For the screaming to stop.

Some people kill themselves to escape this.

I used to think about it too.

But I have decided to live.

And fight this thing until I find peace.

Even if that doesn’t come until I am old and gray.

It will be worth it.

This is recovery.