Dear Before

Dear Before: This letter is long overdue,

I wish I could tell you there are no bad times in store.

But the things you'll see, the changes in you...

God, even remembering you used to hurt me so much more.

***

I used to hate thinking of your face—

plump, drenched in make-up, devoid of any proud or happy feeling.

Now, I wish I had embraced your broken grace

and swallowed my pride so you could start healing.

***

The brokenness will fix itself for sure,

you have everything under control...

The ball was in your court, all the choices were yours,

but your sad naivety led you to isolation, food and alcohol.

***

I know you tried your best to feel alright,

to brush off the sting of the lingering pain.

But it was always difficult to sleep at night,

and all your tossing and turning was in vain.

***

Your pain took root when you lost Dad,

the greatest man you ever knew.

Your hero, your rock... His lost made you feel a kind of sad

that burned you inside and out, flames impossible to subdue.

***

If Dad walked through the door just one more time,

the tears would fall and your heart would ache.

Running to his arms, you'd feel the weight of a lifetime,

memories so heavy on a heart so frail, that heart would break.

***

But you do grow, and eventually, you found me,

a version of yourself you thought you wouldn't find.

The world will keep turning, the pain won't always be—

don't be fooled into thinking that allowing yourself to heal is too kind.

***

You haven't met me yet, Before,

but I promise you, you'll find me someday.

You'll find the strength to unlock the door

that's barred you from happiness and kept the best of you hidden away.

***

Until then, try to focus on the good times, Before,

when Dad was himself and you were truly happy.

Once you give yourself permission to move on, you'll soar.

Until then, I'll be waiting to meet you. Sincerely, Me.