Counting

I've prayed for your longevity forever,

hoping that you'd see another day,

another season,

another episode of Jeopardy,

and maybe grandchildren.

I've counted,

since 60,

afraid you'd leave too soon--

making lists of fears,

with you tied with grandma

and Prince.

I've sighed in hope,

knowing you're getting closer...

Fought cancer,

raised birds,

and financed my foolishness--

and here you are,

still strong.

I've counted,

You've counted,

We were all there.

I cry,

relieved,

when you answer the phone.

You have taught me bravery,

Sensitivity,

Self-love,

and the art of the coolest errors,

all to the tunes of Sade and The Isleys.

With human selfishness, I want forever--

But I'm prepared to release you to the cosmos--

Someday,

Not now.

"Please stay."

"Hold on, wait longer"--

Not knowing when the time will come,

Feeling helpless because all I want

is a chance to prove none of it was in vain,

and the full investment was everything,

and you're all I have left.

Too far away to hold you,

hear you in stereo,

steal your candy,

or savor your booze-coffee--

yet never forgetting the warmth of your love,

your hugs,

nor your wisdom.

You are home,

Chicago,

and all things well within my soul.

Is it all a blur,

a tally,

prayers,

and fear,

because he suffered before you?

Etched in my mind

are flashes of his last year

and as he fought,

we all wanted better.

As you fought,

and pictures of "what should be"

were painted,

I decided--

you deserve the entire world.

I have counted,

(I know.)

And you have counted too.

You have assured me, in layers, that

"all will be fine."

So I must find solace,

and strength,

and gratitude.

You are here,

You are living,

You are happy,

You are at peace.

So as life begins,

someday it will end.

I won't run from my emotions,

nor drown in familial vices

to rot in the quicksand of thick despair.

I vow to live for you, always,

while bettering myself.

I have counted,

you have counted,

and we've worried enough

to reach the other side

where calm meets chaos,

and logic beats instability.

To prove the lesson has been completed,

I'll count blessings in gratitude, instead.

None of it will be in vain,

and you will soar above, completed.

Make it so.