contact

musings

I hate when I make eye contact with a man

and I look away fast

disappointed

because i’m always looking for his eyes

not even when they’re not his physical eyes

but the piercing blue

the strike

the world-stopping intensity

that feeling that has only ever struck me when his gaze met mine

I search for it every place I go

following strangers with my watchful eye

fearful yet faithful that someday it’ll be real

it’ll be his

and mine

maybe that was all we ever genuinely shared

that pulse that would ripple in the milliseconds between irises suspended in space

four anatomical objects

two lines

one pulse

an arrow shot in breathtaking linearity

that’s not something a person forgets

or is it just me?

did he look right through me?

no

i’ve felt the sight of men on my back

on my profile

my side

features facing away

but senses alert

I know this rush

the feeling of being watched

but when one curiosity meets another

when a hidden pull meets it’s push

it’s absurd

it’s mindbending and heartbreaking all at once

to see what you seek

seeking you in return

unmistakable

he didn’t have to tell me

or tell someone else who would

his secrets were his

but they could not escape this sudden clarity

neither could mine

the electricity could withstand whatever barriers damaged psyches could conjure

i’ll reiterate

just a moment

but it’s addictive like a drug

chasing the dragon

so like a drug

I go looking for it everywhere

every place I go

begging

every silver car that passes me

I look up hoping to be struck by lightning

and my eyes find a stranger’s

so I look away

half sorry

half depleted

half full